McDonald's, let me have your attention for a moment.
You're hurting right now. Your CEO, Don Thompson, is stepping down after two years on the job. Your shareholders are upset, your menu is garbage. I'm here to fix things.
So let's talk.
Put down that small Diet Coke. Small Diet Cokes are for closers only. You think I'm joking? I'm not joking. I'm here on a mission of mercy -- to fix this mess you and your clown have gotten yourselves into.
Listen up, because you've got about a week before I go to Shake Shack, or Five Guys, or -- hell -- even Quiznos.
Oh, have I got your attention now? Good.
1. ABM: Always. Be. McNuggeting.
Your customers are too cheap, your dollar menu is weak? You're weak. I've been eating McDonald's for 23 years. What do I want? McNuggets. I want them constantly, all the time.
If someone walks into your store, they want to buy McNuggets. You think they're coming in because they like it? They're coming in because they're lovin' it. They're standing in front of you, waiting to give you their money. Are you McGood enough to take it?
I come in wanting a four-piece? Sell me a 60-piece. More McNuggets, bigger McNuggets, cheaper McNuggets.
2. Your "nice guy" mascot has to go.
You mind telling me just what the hell this is? This is your mascot? You've got more than 36,000 restaurants worldwide and your mascot is a mustard-ketchup murder clown?
I could go out there with the same tools you have and make $7 billion in revenue by not selling my hamburgers with John Wayne Gacy.
Am I being too McHard on you? Is this unfair? Then take your Unhappy Meal and leave.
3. Teenie Beanies. Teenie Beanies. Teenie Beanies.
You had it, you cornered the market -- the people wanted Beanie Babies, and you gave them teenie versions of Beanie Babies. And then you took them away, you spineless sodium junkies. You think I have sympathy for you, you weak Happy Meal nothings? I have no sympathy for you.
The money is there, all you have to do is provide the beanie babies and take it.
4. You know what it takes to sell Happy Meals?
You know what it takes to sell Happy Meals? It takes multi-colored balls in pits to sell Happy Meals.
If I walk into a McDonald's I better be stepping into a ball pit in the first ten feet. Why? Because people love ball pits. You want the customers? Bring the ball pits.
5. Good luck.
Look at this. Look at it and know you are losing.
You are losing to black hamburgers and five-dollar foot-longs, you losers. The opportunity is there, the McNuggets are there. Go get it or don't.
H/T: David Mamet