LONDON -- Sex scenes in literature are a tricky one to get right, aren't they?
When writing about such a private aspect of life, it's all too easy to completely mess things up, whether it's by making the description too pretentious, too vulgar or just plain unbelievable. It's a fine line that can completely undermine a novel if the writer messes it up; it's why there's a "Bad Sex in Fiction" award.
Luckily, any novelists who felt in danger of veering into bad sex territory can breathe a sigh of relief, because there's a new player in town with some sexual description that's guaranteed to make all other sex scenes completely pale in comparison.
Try reading this excerpt of Morrissey's novel, then try forgetting you ever read the the words "bulbous salutation". pic.twitter.com/Qnwb0RWqm7— theQuietus (@theQuietus) September 24, 2015
Yep, that's right: former Smiths lead singer Morrissey has exploded into the world of fiction with a debut novel that's been raising a fair few eyebrows with its minimal punctuation, confusing prose, and frankly bizarre sexual descriptions.
Many people were shocked.
I'm reading Morrissey's novel with one hand pressed to my mouth. The horror. What has He done?— Julie McDowall (@ariel_mcdowall) September 22, 2015
Others tried to express their confusion.
HOW do you barrel roll your breasts though? Like, do they have to twirl round each other in a double helix formation? #BulbousSalutation— Elizabeth Cairns (@cairnage) September 24, 2015
That Morrissey sex scene actually makes perfect sense if you imagine they're doing it in a tumble dryer. Trust me.— Clarisse Loughrey (@clarisselou) September 24, 2015
80% certain that Morrissey's never had sex pic.twitter.com/FxjUWZmvOj— Alan (@alan_maguire) September 24, 2015
A lot of people picked out certain key phrases from the scene.
#BulbousSalutation pic.twitter.com/6gbypKZyHs— Lorelei King (@LoreleiKing) September 24, 2015
Anyone down for a clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation? #bulboussalutationI'm dying here. Dying, I tell you.— Wee Moo (@clairetheweemoo) September 24, 2015
can't get "the otherwise central zone" out of my head— paula blart (@mama_tuna) September 24, 2015
Finally, some worried about the future.
There's one word in the phrase "Morrissey's first novel" that really worries me.— Bao Bao (@fiatpanda) September 24, 2015
Oh, Morrissey.