LONDON -- Following news that Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini have been banned from football for eight years by the FIFA Ethics Committee, Blatter conducted one of his trademark press conferences.
Facing media in Zurich, Blatter - who arrived unshaven and sporting a plaster on his cheek - spoke for almost an hour. His latest rant didn't disappoint, with the embattled FIFA President launching off into all manner of tangents.
ICYMI a rattled Blatter's chaotic arrival here in Zurich after being banned VIDEO pic.twitter.com/iMvW4yFuna— Dan Roan (@danroan) December 21, 2015
It probably made sense in his head, but to the rest of us it was as unfathomable as it was hilarious.
First up, he stated the obvious.
Blatter on 8-year ban: "To say it's good day for me or for FIFA... would be totally wrong"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Then he name-checked Nelson Mandela.
Blatter highlights how he's sitting in room where Mandela where when won 2010 World Cup bid (which has payment subject to allegations)— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
After that he started apologising - for everything except what he'd done.
Blatter: "I'm really sorry. I am sorry that I am still somewhere a punching ball and in sorry for football. I'm sorry for FIFA"— Dan Roan (@danroan) December 21, 2015
Blatter: "But I'm also sorry about me - how I am treated in this world of humanity..."— Dan Roan (@danroan) December 21, 2015
Banned: Blatter flanked by his daughter Corinne says he has been treated like a punchball by ethics committee pic.twitter.com/KrpNsHXiSj— Martyn Ziegler (@martynziegler) December 21, 2015
Choice Blatter quotes: "I am sorry for football" "I'm sorry I'm still a punching ball" pic.twitter.com/YFajWWJt7L— Tomas Hirst (@tomashirstecon) December 21, 2015
He said that football would be damaged by the ban.
Blatter - that family of football has been damaged by banning him - something is wrong in this system— alex thomson (@alextomo) December 21, 2015
In fact, the ban has put a tsunami inside FIFA.
Blatter on 8-year ban "This decision has put a new tsunami inside FIFA ... it has created a lot of collateral danger"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Eventually he addressed the charges against him.
Blatter now onto "gentleman's agreement" with Platini made in 1998 for FIFA salary for job until 2002 & pay only received in full in 2011— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
Blatter: "What astonishes me ... they deny the existence of such an agreement and this agreement was in directly confirmed by 2 meetings"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
There was a rare moment when Blatter admitted a weakness.
Blatter on Platini: "I believe he is an honest man" Blatter: "Perhaps I'm not the most clever man in the world "— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
But before long, he was back in the realms of denial.
Blatter - I still have a lot of support inside FIFA executive— alex thomson (@alextomo) December 21, 2015
Sepp #Blatter says "I am not ashamed. Even if I am suspended, I am still President. The committee cannot go against the President." #FIFA— Sky News Newsdesk (@SkyNewsBreak) December 21, 2015
Finally, he assured us that he never lost his mind...
Blatter: "I am still here thanks to my good heart. And I have never lost my mind ... I am back and I am doing better"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
...and that he would, like Arnie, be back.
Sepp Blatter closes news conference with "I'LL BE BACK"— Rob Harris (@RobHarris) December 21, 2015
His words were somewhat upstaged by a plaster on his cheek though.
'Top-level' sources reveal the plaster on Blatter's face follows the removal of a mole. Think there might be another one deep in FIFA.— Martyn Ziegler (@martynziegler) December 21, 2015
Shout out to #blatter channeling his inner #nelly pic.twitter.com/5yVYKSWWN2— Andy Robertson (@AndyRobertson93) December 21, 2015