Jan. 6 is the day that will go down in history as the day you no longer have to explain the term "flat white" to a Starbucks' barista in America. You will still need to spell your name, though.
It will also be remembered as the day the flat white died. A slow, painful, tasteless death.
Bolder than a latte. Meet the new #FlatWhite. pic.twitter.com/pkjpjItPh3— Starbucks Coffee (@Starbucks) January 6, 2015
Australia's staple caffeine hit with microfoam, a double espresso shot and a smooth milky finish, has hit the big time. We have finally given the U.S. of A. something besides Iggy Azalea, Nicole Kidman's forehead and Thor. You would think such a moment would make us tear up with pride, instead we are angry. So very, very angry.
Why? Well, here's a few simple reasons.
1. Australian taste testers said the Starbucks' flat white was great, Australians now hate them
ABC presenter Red Simmons and The Guardian journalist David Marr disguised themselves as coffee connoisseurs and took to the streets of America, giving the thumbs up to the Starbucks' flat white.
The company is renowned Down Under for their muddy water, fake cream and ice concoctions. So many expected the flat white experiment to be an atrocity.
If you are over 50 you are legally bound to try a Starbucks flat white and have your take published on a news website pic.twitter.com/y6YPRYrOHW— Alex McClintock (@axmcc) January 6, 2015
"It’s not bad," Marr said.
"It's alright," Simmons said.
Marr and Simmons are now disowned.
Sorry, taking the rest of the day off for urgent therapy on this David Marr Starbucks review http://t.co/QIdl8rVkaZ #marrreviews— Matthew Knott (@KnottMatthew) January 6, 2015
David Marr provides a thorough and no-nonsense review of Starbuck's new flat white: it's OK http://t.co/RGxJeA5IN3 pic.twitter.com/bNslI6QYv5— Patrick Sloyan (@sloyanp) January 6, 2015
Next week - David Marr reviews the Parramatta KFC that just got granted a liquor license— Brigid Delaney (@BrigidWD) January 6, 2015
2. We hate Starbucks and avoid it like a rash
The only reason we go anywhere near it is for free wifi and even then, it's embarrassing.
So America is in a flap about the flat white. The really big deal is that Starbucks has found a new style of coffee to fuck up.— Tron Lord (@TRON_Lord) January 7, 2015
.@Starbucks couldn't break Australia, and now they want to ruin flat whites . #nopenopenope #handsoff— annie armenian (@anniea89) January 7, 2015
Starbucks would surely have more success if they call at a "Milk-based Coffee Frappucino" instead of a flat white.— James Hutchinson (@j_hutch) January 6, 2015
3. They are trying to change the name to FLAT TOP
(according to The Guardian)
.@Starbucks’ flat white is called a “flat top”. NO, STARBUCKS. http://t.co/Ju9pxKcb73— Sam Downing (@samwdowning) January 6, 2015
4. Some Americans do not deserve nice things...
If you don't know what a flat white is, best stick to your muddy bath water.
Has anyone tried Starbucks new "Flat White?" And if so, how is it? I usually order just coffee....— Billy Keene (@billykeene22) January 6, 2015
A #FlatWhite is basically a latte.— PARTYNEXTDORM™ (@Keakush) January 7, 2015
so what is the difference between a wet cappuccino and a flat white?— jen (@currerbell) January 7, 2015
5. ...or coffee in any form.
Especially cappuccinos.
Starbucks release exotic drink from Australia called a flat white. Problem is it's a cappuccino! Alt would be to stop #&@*& their cap up!— Daniel Fallman (@dfallman) January 7, 2015
I got the new flat white at Starbucks. It's a cappuccino. That's it. A cappuccino.— Casey (@suit_casey) January 6, 2015
6. Latte dots are not acceptable for flat white art.
Starbucks announced proudly they would finish their flat white destruction with "a latte art dot." Please god, no.
7. We think no one understands a flat white like Australians
And we just can't handle it being destroyed by ...gulp... Starbucks.
I tried my first @Starbucks #FlatWhite today in the lobby of 195 broadway & sadly I was disappointed. Lukewarm, not that smooth— lisasharkey (@lisasharkey) January 7, 2015
Attn American followers: we don't actually call it a Flat White. It's a "Frothee Coffee In A Cupparoo"— Michael J. Roddan (@MichaelRoddan) January 7, 2015
Feel free to cry into this coffee abomination.
That FLAT WHITE. #tobeapartner (it's gross) pic.twitter.com/yHpOMGsC9D— Jill (@JillianMariee__) January 7, 2015