Your rowdiest, most debauched night has nothing on Joseph Gillespie.
Gillespie, you see, was accused of stealing a minor-league baseball team's mascot costume, fleeing the scene while wearing said costume, then continuing to party the night away while dressed as a dragon.
That all happened two weekends ago. But this Wednesday, the world finally learned Gillespie's side of the story.
Epic does not begin to describe it.
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Initial news reports out of Charlotte earlier this month all read pretty much the same. Guy steals the Charlotte Knights' "Homer the Dragon" mascot costume from BB&T Ballpark. Guy runs away. Guy is later arrested at his home. (Guy also sports righteous mullet, as shown below.)
Police: Man breaks into BB&T Ballpark, steals @KnightsBaseball costume, runs away wearing it. http://t.co/8s9553kAGb pic.twitter.com/LD6gpYzz6T— Bill Melugin (@BillFOX46) September 21, 2015
Before we continue, behold this full-body shot of Homer to keep in mind as you continue reading:
Then, this Wednesday, the Charlotte alt-weekly Creative Loafing caught up with Gillespie. The full interview is a real doozy, and we recommend checking it out here. But meanwhile, here are a few choice quotes from Joseph Gillespie, a modern-day hero if ever there was one.
On how he encountered the costume after attending the Charlotte Beerfest at BB&T Ballpark:
The event ended at 9 p.m., but the next thing I remember I wake up at about 12:30 a.m. on Sunday and I'm at the bottom of a stairwell with no idea where I am. I called Mark, and he said, "Where the fuck are you?" I said, "Dude, I don't know. I think I'm still in the stadium."
He said he was at Hooters, so I told him to stay there. I start walking down the hallway to leave and I look to my right and see the mascot dressing room. I thought, there's no way this door is unlocked. I turned the handle and it opens right up and there's the damned costume.
So, I suited right up, walked out the door and proceeded to Hooters. I walked right up into Hooters and my buddy didn't even know it was me. I was ragin' dude.
On how his costumed night proceeded after Hooters:
I left Hooters and there was a big line at Tilt next door. I just said, "Yo man, can I go in?" The guy said, "No," and I was like, "Dude, You're not gonna let Homer the fuckin' mascot into your bar right now?" Then he said I could go in. There was nobody on the dance floor. I come sliding in and start getting it. I was doing all the moves you always wanted to try but are too embarrassed to.
On Homer's effect on the ladies:
I got like three numbers that night and have added like 20 chicks on Facebook. That's been a plus.
On why police found him at home also in possession of a two-way radio from the mascot dressing room:
I got that in case they radioed that the suit was stolen so I could just chime them back and say, "Hey, I have it. Don't worry, I'll return it."
Now seriously, go read the whole interview. It'll be the best thing you do all day.