Welcome to the NFL pre-season, where time is a flat circle.
If you spent your weekend, you know, outside instead of watching football games that don't count, well then let's just say you missed one of truly seminal meaningless moments in NFL history.
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Universes of media over-saturation collided on Saturday. Michael Sam (an NFL rookie fighting to make the St. Louis Rams squad who, oh yeah, also happens to the first openly gay player in league history) sacked notorious Browns rookie quarterback Johnny Manziel in fourth-quarter garbage time.
Then Sam got up and flashed Manziel's trademark "money" sign in a display of veteran level smack-talk. Rumor has it ESPN's Bristol, Connecticut, headquarters vaporized in an orgiastic mushroom cloud moments later, but we have been unable to confirm this.
Here's video of the magic moment.
The only thing that could have made this more tailor-made for ESPN-era media cycle overload was if Derek Jeter and LeBron James had then celebrated in the stands by taking the Ice Bucket Challenge together.
So preposterously unlikely was the chance of the NFL's two hottest walking rookie storylines coming together in such fashion that one fan on Twitter promised before the game to pick up the whole world's bar tabs forever if it actually happened.
Rams vs Browns tonight. If Michael Sam sacks Johnny Football & gives the money sign, drinks are on me. For everyone in the world. Forever.— FISHER KING (@SquareKnight) August 23, 2014
Welp.
Declaring bankruptcy in 3..2..1...— FISHER KING (@SquareKnight) August 24, 2014
Today I messed up by promising mankind free booze for all eternity.— FISHER KING (@SquareKnight) August 24, 2014
Sam himself then took to Twitter on Sunday to offer an alternative suggestion.
I heard there was a drink offer... In lieu of that @SquareKnight the Boys & Girls Club of Greater STL could use help! pic.twitter.com/qzseOXJfED— Michael Sam (@MichaelSamNFL) August 24, 2014
And here's your happy ending, Internet.
Proud to have made a donation to the STL Boys & Girls Club in honor of Sam's great play. I'm a product of a Boys & Girls Club too.— FISHER KING (@SquareKnight) August 25, 2014
The actual NFL season starts Sept. 4.