Russia lost on its home ice to Finland by a score of 3-1 in the quarterfinals of the men's hockey tournament currently underway at the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, on Wednesday. It was a thoroughly shocking upset for a host country that had high hopes of riding its talented squad to a gold medal behind NHL superstar Alex Ovechkin.
To tour Russia's tortured national psyche during this debacle of a loss, we need a vehicle that's both distinctly Russian and accessible to Westerners (this miserable bear's a good start). But we need a vehicle that's invested enough to feel the pain, yet not too proud to share it. We need The Moscow News, self-proclaimed as Russia's oldest English-language newspaper.
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The paper live-tweeted Russia's stunning loss, becoming progressively more undone as the outlook got gloomier. We've collected many of the tweets right here, so you can take a little trip down memory lane and relive the big defeat.
Everything Started Out Just Fine
Russia-Finland about to begin. We'll be keeping an eye on the proceedings. #Hockey is sacred, after all. #Sochi2014 pic.twitter.com/cW592Xl9uj— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
And we're on. Oh man, the Finns are fast. Russia not looking half bad either. Testosterone level: Orange. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
Oh greeeeeeeat. Kovalchuk in the penalty box. Russian outnumbered in the ice. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
GOAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!! Yeah Russia! Kovalchuk just scoooooooooooored! #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
Then Things Got a Little More Complicated ...
Oh dear. 1-1. Finland equalizes. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE. 2-1. Finland scores. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
The Paper Struggled to Maintain Composure ...
1st period over. Finland leads Russia 2-1. Time for a meditation break. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
But Full Meltdown Mode Was Soon Achieved
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 3:1 Finland scores again. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
We remind everyone that if Russia loses this - they won't medal. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
How long do you think it will take for Russia to ban Finnish vodka? Just pointing out the obvious here. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
Partly cloudy here in Moscow. Spring is coming. Or a false spring. Or something. We're just distracting ourselves with the weather. #hockey— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
The 2nd period is over. Finland leads Russia 3:1. Don't mind us. We're going to go have a stiff drink. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
Russia vs. Finland feels like a deleted scene from "Armageddon" to us right now. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
Russia, you are breaking our heart. Or cutting it out with a dull spoon. Or something equally horrific. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
And, Finally, Devastation
Russia has lost 1:3 to Finland. Russia will not medal. This is our office right now. #hockey #Sochi2014 pic.twitter.com/oSfkjBLXG2— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
But It Turns Out There Was a Real-Life Person Behind Those Tweets
Friends, we're done for the day. Your commentator was @NataliaAntonova. Am going to go listen to a lot of Muddy Waters. #hockey #Sochi2014— The Moscow News (@themoscownews) February 19, 2014
And She Really Does Listen to Muddy Waters When Times Get Tough
It's true. I have a long Muddy Waters playlist for occasions like these. #Russia #hockey #FML— Natalia Antonova (@NataliaAntonova) February 19, 2014
We're sorry you had to go through that, Natalia, the office of the Moscow News, and, shoot, Russia as a whole.
But thanks for making it fun for the rest of us.