The time has come, friends. Syfy's Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is upon us. And one Tumblr user has decided to wax poetic about the occasion.
Yes, that is correct. Tumblr has provided us with a substantial and emotive poem about the conception and meaning behind the iconic Sharknado. And they aren't afraid to get philosophical.
[seealso slug="sharknado-3-cameos"]
With lines like "I’ve been ocean creature [sic] sucked into a tornado only to be made villain by the thing that put me there," and "I've been hurled at people unwillingly shouting 'I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry,'" Tumblr user towardmyself is digging deep into a movie whose premise is based on the assumption that sharks can get sucked into a tornado and live long enough to cause a whirlwind of bloody damage.
Here's the poem itself, in its entirety (and yes, it is written in all caps):
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
ONE DAY SOMEONE WAS LIKE
“YO I HAVE THIS IDEA”
“NATURAL DISASTER TORNADO MOVIE”
“BUT WITH SHARKS”
AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM WAS LIKE
“LET’S FUCKING GO.”
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
I DEFINITELY WILL ALWAYS BE THE FRIEND IN THE ROOM WHO SAYS
“LET’S FUCKING GO”
WE ONLY GET SO MUCH LIFE
WHO KNOWS WHEN YOU MIGHT BE SWALLOWED BY A SHARK WITH NO CHAINSAW TO BREAK YOURSELF OUT
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
IN THE EVENT THAT THIS MOVIE EVER WERE TO BECOME REALITY
THE SHARKS DEFINITELY DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS
NO SHARK EVER SAT IN A ROOM WITH OTHER SHARKS AND WAS LIKE
“YO I HAVE THIS IDEA”
“LET’S GET INSIDE A FUCKING TORNADO”
“AND HAVE IT HURL US AT MAJOR METROPOLISES IN AMERICA”
YOU CAN TELL THIS BY THE WAY THE SHARKS FLAIL AROUND
AND HOW SO MANY OF THEM DIE
AND HOW THEY DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO STAY IN THE OCEAN
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
I DEFINITELY WILL ALWAYS SYMPATHIZE WITH THE SHARKS ON THIS ONE
I’VE BEEN OCEAN CREATURE
SUCKED INTO A TORNADO
ONLY TO BE MADE VILLAIN BY THE THING THAT PUT ME THERE
I’VE BEEN HURLED AT PEOPLE UNWILLINGLY
SHOUTING “I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY”
AS I FLEW INVOLUNTARILY TOWARD THEM
I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO HAVE A STORM MADE OF YOUR BIGGEST IRRATIONAL FEAR RATTLING IN YOUR BRAIN
TO BE A STORM MADE OF YOUR BIGGEST IRRATIONAL FEAR
TO BE A STORM SCREAMING THAT NO FEAR IS MORE RATIONAL THAN ANOTHER BUT FUCK IT
I WANNA MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A REVERSE BLACK HOLE
LIGHT IS SPEWED OUT OF IT
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN EVERYTHING IS MAGIC
I’LL CALL IT A MEMOIR
IN THIS MOVIE
I MAKE MYSELF THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE
AND EVERYONE ELSE IS THE CENTER TOO
AND EVERYONE ELSE IS A MAIN CHARACTER TOO
AND NO ONE BECOMES A VILLAIN WITHOUT TRYING TO
AND WHEN YOU SWALLOW SOMEONE WHOLE YOU APOLOGIZE
EVEN IF IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
AND THERE ARE OTHER MOVIES WITHIN MY MOVIE ABOUT VERY LARGE SPIDERS FIGHTING ROBOT ALIENS
AND THESE ARE NOT THE SAME AS TRANSFORMERS
THEY’RE JUST NOT
AND IF ANYONE EVER TRIES TO TELL ME I CAN’T MAKE THIS MOVIE
I WILL STAND ON THE TOP OF THE TABLE WHERE WE ARE HAVING THIS MOVIE MAKING DELIBERATION
AND I WILL SCREAM LOUDLY DIRECTLY AT THE VOICE OF THE OPPOSITION
AND I WILL SAY
IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
THERE IS A FRANCHISE OF MOVIES ABOUT TORNADOES WITH SHARKS INSIDE OF THEM.
DON’T TELL ME
WHAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
AND THEN I WILL CALMLY RETURN TO MY SEAT
LIKE NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY JUST HAPPENED
BECAUSE IT DIDN’T
BECAUSE IT DIDN’T
BECAUSE FUCK YOU
BECAUSE THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME
TO PRETEND THAT ANY OF THIS
WAS ORDINARY TO BEGIN WITH
The poem truly forces you to stop and think about how the sharks must feel, doesn't it? After all, they're just minding their own business in the ocean, and then they're swept up in a tornado and put into very real danger??
Really makes you wonder: who's the REAL hero of Sharknado?
Oh, right. It's the production company. For getting us to all watch this delightful piece of garbage.