SYDNEY -- What's not to love about spring? The flowers are blooming. The air is warm. It is the downhill slope all the way into beach days and summer nights. But don't be fooled by the lovely floral dress of the season, spring in Australia is filled with nasty, nasty things.
Here's a look at the things to avoid to survive the season, which lasts from the start of September to the end of November in the land Down Under.
If you want one image to sum up Australia in spring, this is it. pic.twitter.com/DxxNSrqOpi— Sparklebeastly (@IRONF0RGED) October 5, 2014
Bees and Bindis
With flowers, come bees. With more than 1500 species of bees in Australia versus one species of human, your odds are not looking good. Just as you are skipping through that glorious field on a spring day, POW. You go down in screaming agony, crying like a baby. You finally get to your feet and stumble off, then POW, a bindi in the other foot.
diy bindi thong #straya pic.twitter.com/bDT9qgEGxG— Tim Allen (@timalIenphoto) January 4, 2014
Bindis are little plant thorns that embed themselves into feet, thongs and clothes. In the millions. As if Bindi Irwin wasn't bad enough. Welcome to Australia. Bees and bindis are the worst. Spring is the worst.
The very friendly @BindiIrwin enjoying the sun & colours at #floriade. More in Sunday's @canberratimes pic.twitter.com/Q1akt4VtR5— Matt Raggatt (@MattRaggatt) October 4, 2014
Time to toughen the hell up. Like this guy.
Hybrid fashion
People get very confused with fashion this time of year. Suddenly there are thongs with socks, singlet tops with scarves, beanies with dresses. If you feel like an idiot, you probably look like one. It isn't win-ummer, it's spring.
Fishing & thongs with socks. Tell I come from Australia.pic.twitter.com/fB6D93shZz— Taylah Scheerle (@TaylahwalkingD) November 18, 2013
Issac Luke to be banned from the NRL for life for wearing thongs with socks. #grade5 pic.twitter.com/BYij7Q9hnD— Doug (@dougt85) October 6, 2014
Magpies
These guys are out to inflict pain on the most unsuspecting of victims. If they want to eat your scalp, they will damn well eat your scalp. As one reporter in Australia found out, drawing eyes on the back of your helmet will actually make you a target for these black and white devils, not scare them away. It seems nothing can beat the wrath of the evil bird.
If you think you can leave the house in spring without a magpie stabbing your head while protecting its young, you are dreaming. Prepare yourself for a slow, painful death.
Another one of our 'dangerous' aussie animals! Magpies in spring! #Australia pic.twitter.com/ZFf0mNwXpp— Alison (@gigglerunner) September 17, 2014
Spring carnival
Australians are really into horse racing. Yet most will go the whole day trackside without spotting a single horse. They are there for the party, the daytime drinking party.
What starts out as an elegant affair, quickly turns ugly after the last race. Spring Carnival is where Australians can let their hair down and have a few bottles of champas while having a flutter on the horses. Horse racing is the sport to watch between winter's football season and summer's cricket season. The carnival peaks with Melbourne Cup, which ends in a fine display of face-plants, bare feet and drunken disorder.
Fake tan
The sun comes out for the first time in months and you reach for the trusty bottle of St Tropez. In your haste, you slather that brown, creamy goo all over your skin using your bare palms. You spend the next hour rubbing lemon juice on your skin and scrubbing furiously with an exfoliating cloth.
Looking like an Oompa Loompa is one thing, running around with fake tan hands is something else. Spring is not the time to start emulating Donatella Versace.
Off on a night out with @beccacharlton I used so much fake tan I had to use bleach on the palms of my hands #prosecco pic.twitter.com/3F73dmQteV— anna glowinski (@AnnaGlowinski) February 28, 2014
Hay fever
For some in this fine country, the blooming flowers of spring are a blooming nightmare. Pollen is the symbol of death. For hay fever sufferers, spring is as fun as being stuck next to a screaming baby on a 21-hour flight.
Hayfever though pic.twitter.com/DV35exbi6K— Cassie (@petyrbae) October 8, 2014
To some people this isn't a field of flowers, it is a field of torture.
country NSW - such color! @destinationnsw #spring #BOOROWA #australia pic.twitter.com/KPsoqcvv6w— Martin Ollman (@martin_o) October 6, 2014
Daylight savings
It's a lie. They sell it with the extra sunshine card, then ruin it with dark mornings, changing sleep patterns and a stolen hour of your time. Plus a healthy dose of confusion. Don't think that late sunset swim is for free. Nothing is for free.
