Yes, there is a new iPhone, and we will hear all about it at today's Apple Event. But the one you have is most likely totally fine for your needs. In fact, it's a fascinating piece of technology and you probably haven't even scratched the surface of its potential.
You rely on Siri and think she deserves a new house, but remember that she actually has no physical form and will not side with you during the inevitable robot uprising.
In the Apple event that would happen in our alternative universe, we would realize that there are other ways to spend our money. Take a weekend trip. Feed your family. Spring for the organic produce, even. Go see the new movie where Zac Efron plays an EDM DJ. Buy an Apple Watch.
Life is full of possibilities.
BONUS: One more chug: The Apple Keynote drinking game