As your 12-year-old cousin, none of your New York City experiences will ever top my life at Rineton Middle School

Family gatherings are my kingdoms to rule.

Everyone gets asked about their lives, but my stories are always the best. I'm 12 years old and in the 7th grade at Rineton Middle School, but that doesn't mean I'm not way more badass then any of my older cousins at this table.

That's right. I'm looking at you, Harry. You think you're a big shot now because you moved out of Charlotte to New York City? The "Big Apple" or whatever? Well then I got bad news for you.

You're over there spending a ton of money to sit and watch a stupid Broadway play, but who needs art when I'm too busy already getting detention for chewing gum in class. All the 6th graders think I'm so edgy now because even though I got detention, I still chew gum in class.

And what did you do in middle school, read Calvin and Hobbes and NOT get detention?

You say you have a full-time job in finance and you're thinking of proposing to your girlfriend next year, but I'm 12 and over the course of the year I've heard that like three girls have crushes on me. In fact, one of them sat at the table next to mine at lunch and I think she looked at me like four times. Which is way more cool than dedicating your life to just one person.

Plus, if you look at our messages with each other, you'll see that I used a bad word once: shit.

Your parents may be proud of you for graduating with honors from NYU's Stern School of Business or whatever, but my parents are proud of me because my dad takes me hunting and I can shoot the gun all by myself without being knocked over. You don't eat meat for animal cruelty reasons? Well, I eat meat because when I go hunting with my dad and he kills a deer, I feel like we should eat it because he killed it himself, and that's way cooler.

But, sometimes I think being the coolest kid at Rineton Middle School isn't all there is to life, and instead I should listen to you and pay attention in school in order to get good grades so I can get a PhD someday. It's something I've been thinking about a lot and I wonder if I've been living a lie ever since I got to middle school, and if I do actually look up to you Harry, like a mentor.

But then I think, "Why would I want to be a successful budget director who is happily in love when I could drink three Mountain Dew's every day at lunch and make an absolute disaster of the 5th grade bathroom?"

Enjoy your life, loser.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We're people, just like you, and we're trying our best.