20 of the best one-liners in 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'

On this day 20 years ago, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone -- the first of seven spell-binding novels -- was finally published. You may have had an inkling somewhere along the line that there’s a few Harry Potter fans at Mashable, and they’re not without reason.

Over the past 20 years the Harry Potter stories have touched, changed, and even saved the lives of a legion of young (and old) squibs the world over. Losing yourself in another world comes with a certain magic that can bring you through the darkest of times. I know it’s done that for me over the years.

But besides from bringing an eternal light to my meagre existence, J.K. Rowling’s first book-baby also brought with it a heavy dose of sass, wit, and some of the best one-liners 1997 could ever have dared hope for.

Here’s 20 of those, because, you know, 20 years:

1. “It’s lucky it’s dark. I haven’t blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs”

In the midst of the tragedy of James and Lily’s death, and the subsequent delivering of baby Harry to his abhorrent Aunt and Uncle, our favourite wise wizard is still doling out a chuckle to get us through.

2. “Ah, shut up, Dursley, you great prune”

THE CLAPBACKS BEGIN. You. Great. Prune. Of course this became “dry up, Dursley” when the film graced our screens which is actually even more hilarious -- but for a shutdown, you don’t get a lot better.

3. “I see myself holding a pair of thick, woollen socks”

Though *weep* this is actually majorly sad as it's the one big lie he told to our Boy Who Lived, Dumbledore’s got a point that a decent pair of socks can make you the happiest person alive... kinda? No?

4. “Sunshine, daisy, butter, mellow, turn this stupid fat rat yellow!”

Our first glimpse into the world of wand waving comes courtesy of Hogwarts MVP Ron Weasley, with this sick little spell. It may not have worked, but it’s worded wondrously.

5. “We could have all been killed, or worse -- expelled”

Hermione serving us prioritisation at its finest.

6. “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”

As Harry begins to obsess over the mirror of Erised, and Dumbledore has to stage an intervention, we’re gifted with this pearl of Dumblewisdon. Remember this one for the next time you’re getting a friend to stop stalking their ex’s Instagram.

Via Giphy

7. “Tut, tut -- fame clearly isn’t everything”

Oh yas Snape you sassy melon.

8. “What happened down in the dungeon between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally the whole school knows”

It seems Chinese whispers aren’t just a phenomenon for spreading office gossip after a Christmas party.

9. “Alas, earwax!”

Much like you making life decisions, even Albus Dumbledore isn’t always equipped to get it right. An earwax flavoured sweet though, ew.

10. “Books! And Cleverness! There are more important things”

Coming from the smartest witch of her age, this is a mantra I can get on board with. You should too, if you’ve gotta justify your terrible A-Level results with your mum that’s doing her best impression of a blast-ended skrewt.

11. “I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”

Even Dumbledore loses his cool at the start of term, clearly.

12. “Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself”

It’s Voldemort, bitches.

13. “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends”

Poor Neville only wanted to stop them getting yet more house points deducted with their tomfoolery. Go Nev.

Via Giphy

14. “There is no good and evil, only power and those too weak to seek it”

Dangerous words from a dangerous man that stuffs his turban with both garlic and Dark Lords -- I wouldn’t take this one on board too heartily.

15. “It’s Wing-gar-dium levi-o-sa, make the ‘gar’ nice and long”

Oh, NBD, just Hermione schooling Ron on one of the most iconic spells to come out of Hogwarts. *Swishes and flicks violently*.

16. “To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever”

No, you’re crying. I’m not crying. *Cries*.

17. “Not me. Not Hermione. You”

This moment of Ron’s great sacrifice for his friend is a game changer in their friendship. Squad goals forever.

18. “Longbottom, if brains were gold you’d be poorer than Weasley, and that’s saying something”

While we don’t support this quote in any way, we had to fit in a sick Malfoy burn. Sorry, Neville.

19. “The wand chooses the wizard, remember... I think we must expect great things from you, Mr. Potter... After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things — terrible, yes, but great.”

The first inkling of Ollivander being a bit of a Death Eater wannabe, plus first mention of iconic wand-choosing wizardness. So all in all pretty epic.

20. “I’m not going home. Not really.”

Neither are we, Harry. Neither are we.