8 hideously awkward dilemmas of British dating
LONDON -- We Brits are many a thing, but suave is not one of them.
So entrenched in our un-suaveness are we that our stiff upper lips are turned to jelly at the sight of a prospective lover. Indeed, the language of love is, alas, not spoken or understood in this sceptr'd isle -- much to the detriment of our love lives.
There's something to be praised, perhaps, in just how unabashedly awkward we Brits are when traversing the course of true love. Let's lean in to the endearing awkwardness that is British dating.
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Our efforts to impress people usually end in disaster
Hanging out with the person you have a crush on is one thing, but trying to impress them is a whole other kettle of fish. As a Brit, your chances of making a fool of yourself are doubled when trying be cool in front of someone. And there's a chance your "amazing" dancing could end in your falling on your arse.
TIP: Remove all sharp objects and potential hazards before attempting any "impressive" acts -- you are British and you will fall down.
Attracting the attention of a mate is always disastrous
Nothing says "how you doing?" quite like hiding behind a curtain. If you're American, French or any other nationality endowed with a certain suaveness, then it's likely you've never had this problem. Sadly, if you're a Brit, the usual techniques for attracting the attention of a mate don't come all that easily. Making eye contact? Hell nope. Smiling? Definitely not. Saying hello? Are you mad? I think I'll just stand here behind this curtain and hope they notice me.
TIP: Magic tricks, literary references, and spontaneous trivia facts are all excellent ways of making an impression on someone you kind of -- errrr -- fancy.
Even saying 'hello' is too much
You've spotted your beloved. You wouldn't forgive yourself for passing up the opportunity to bid them good day, but the very prospect of getting their attention is too much to bear. With red face and sweaty palms in tow, you pretend you haven't seen them. As you walk in their direction, you stare at a (suddenly fascinating) leaf on the ground. At the very last moment, you look up. "Hello how are you?" you say before scuttling off.
TIP: Take a deep breath, remember that you're fabulous. After all, it's just "hello" -- it's not like you're saying "I love you" (yet).
Telling someone you fancy them is excruciating
If your British overtures haven't had the desired effect, it's likely you've been a little too subtle. If your love (or crush) becomes too ardent to sit back and do nothing, taking matters into your own hands is usually the best approach. Only problem is: you're British. Expressing any form of emotion will be heavily punctuated with "um", "err" and "ah".
TIP: Think about what you want to say in advance. Speak from the heart and try not to run away after saying it.
Your heart stops when someone asks you out on a date
The wonderful thing about dating is: sometimes they like you back. Sometimes they even ask you out on a date. Whoa. It could happen at any point in time, so it's important to be on your guard at all times. Despite this forewarning, it's inevitable that you will be caught completely off guard when asked out. Your face will go red. You will lose the ability to construct a sentence. You will want the ground to swallow you up.
TIP: Try to keep calm. You're amazing, remember? They are lucky to be going out with you. Thank them and -- if the feeling's mutual -- tell them you'd like to go out.
Any efforts to be cool during dates are in vain
If you were thinking about playing it cool on your date, don't bother. If you think you're the Grace Kelly of the 21st century, think again. It's time to lean into the Britishness and accept that coolness might be a little out of reach.
TIP: If you happen to be dating a fellow Brit, the chances are they'll be just as un-cool as you are. If something embarrassing occurs, laugh it off. They'll probably laugh with you.
Even kissing is an ordeal
At some point in the dating game, kissing will happen. It's just one of those things. Being British means that you won't have any of the romantically charged gazes which precede dramatic, passionate embraces. Obviously, there'll be no eye contact. The lights might be turned out. It's generally accepted that all first kisses in Britain are usually cheek-kisses that ended up straying to the lips. The good news is that the kissing will get better.
TIP: First kisses are often slightly clumsy. Don't hinge too much on that first kiss. There's plenty of time for perfecting your technique.
Don't even think about saying 'I love you'
Once you've got past the initial teething difficulties, you might grow a certain fondness for the person you've been spending time with. You might even fall hopelessly in love with them. At one point or another, declarations of love must occur. Having a British accent somehow makes these grand overtures sound far less suave than it would if uttered in another language or accent. But, you can only work with what you've got, I guess.
TIP: Hearing the words 'I love you' never did anyone any harm. It's unlikely that the person with whom you're in relationship will laugh in your face, so bite the bullet, take one hell of a deep breath and say those three little words.
Good luck out there!
Rachel Thompson is the Features Editor at Mashable. Rachel's second non-fiction book The Love Fix: Reclaiming Intimacy in a Disconnected World is out now, published by Penguin Random House in Jan. 2025. The Love Fix explores why dating feels so hard right now, why we experience difficult emotions in the realm of love, and how we can change our dating culture for the better.
A leading sex and dating writer in the UK, Rachel has written for GQ, The Guardian, The Sunday Times Style, The Telegraph, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Stylist, ELLE, The i Paper, Refinery29, and many more.
Rachel's first book Rough: How Violence Has Found Its Way Into the Bedroom And What We Can Do About It, a non-fiction investigation into sexual violence was published by Penguin Random House in 2021.
