The 'big story coming' tweets need to end

There are tweets that warm the heart, and those that rip it out.

Twitter anthropologists have inventoried dozens of inferior tweet formats. Some of the lowliest genres include: Eric Garland tweets, tweets that pull the "You're, not your" defense, and threaded tweets about the Mueller investigation written by the dude-splaining randos of the internet.

Near the bottom of everyone's list has to be the "Big story coming" tweet genre favored by reporters and those with close proximity to breaking news. While historically psychological thriller tweets were the highest genre of tweet, the conditions and our expectations have shifted with the Trump presidency.

Twitter progressives are experiencing enough dread as it is. They don't need ticking bomb gifs. They don't need to be teased. They need the damn story, and they ask that it end in impeachment (thanks in advance).

But these tweets which dangle something that might be a carrot or a terrible stick need to end.

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In a different time, back when things were just sometimes bad, not always bad, these tweets would have been welcomed with open arms. What Washington Post scoop about Michelle Obama's latest modest nutrition program could we look forward to today? On, how we anxiously waited for the breaking New York Times investigation into the emotional lives of giraffes.

We're all grieving for the pins and needles we got about Malia Obama's college application process.

Fast forward two years and we've progressed to a political dystopia beyond our wildest dreams. The President of the United States of America enjoys calling the North Korean dictator fat on Twitter. Our EPA Chief is blessed not to be stressed about the demise of our planet. Our Secretary of Education got her brain from a Rent-a-Center.

And those are just the depressing facts I can handle reciting -- forget the real shit, including the record number of immigration arrests and soaring economic inequality.

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So forgive Twitter progressives if they can't handle any more anticipatory anxiety. They can't suffer through a tweet that promises a "story coming" and that doesn't conclude with "Donald Trump is no longer the president."

And yet, it's all too familiar.

Don't hate tweet yet -- these journalists are undoubtedly saving democracy as we speak. It's because of The New York Times' and The Washington Post's reporting that NSA advisor Michael Flynn was removed from office and replaced with someone mildly less terrifying for a brief blissful time. Were BuzzFeed not to have published the dossier, Americans would be far less informed about their president's Russian connections, as well as the possible existence of a pee pee tape.

Yes, It's a golden era for investigative journalism.

However, folks on Twitter just can't handle it when a journalist hints at the the scoop they're about to share and it ends up looking something like this:

1. The scoop reveals that Mueller will not indict the President and we're going to have this bus seat that smells like farts as Commander-in-Chief for the next two years.

2. The scoop suggests that Jared Kushner will not go to jail and will instead head to summer camp.

3. The scoop reveals that Trump is mad. Like, no, really mad this time.

4. The scoop discloses that Trump's cabinet members are panicked and plan to respond by... still being panicked.

5. The scoop is about Jamey's Comey's book.

Here are some alternative scoops worthy of an anticipatory tweet:

1. The President has decided to immediately resign from office and hand the position over to Maxine Waters, who will now serve as Interim Supreme Leader of the Universe, with the Mayor of San Juan as her deputy

2. The President, as well as the rest of the Trump administration, were lost at sea on a Carnival cruise, queer astrologers now serve in the Oval Office.

3. Mr. Rogers has been resurrected from the dead and is now serving as Supreme Court Justice

If you're a journalist and your employer is pressuring you to write such a tweet, might I suggest making a few qualifications so as not to give your desperate readers a false sense of hope, i.e.: "STAY TUNED for something modest," or "Story coming, but it's probably not what you want to hear, " or "Big scoop on its way... in six-to-eight hours. Also, it's not big. And barely a scoop. Please go read a book."

Hope is emotionally expensive. If there's any way journalists could soften the buildup to their scoops, like do what they can to keep us low-level depressed, instead of massively depressed, that'd be great.

BREAKING: Our hearts.