CinemaCon: 'Star Trek' vanishes into a black hole, but hey, 'Baywatch'!

LAS VEGAS -- Star Trek movie godfather/producer JJ Abrams and writer/star Simon Pegg were both onstage Monday at Caesar's Palace to help Paramount Pictures kick off CinemaCon, the annual weeklong love-fest between the people who make movies and the people who show them to us.

But Star Trek Beyond was nowhere to be found.

Paramount's best hope for a summertime home run in 2016 was absent from the studio's slate presentation, which included first looks at coming-soon releases Baywatch, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, Ben-Hur and director Denis Villeneuve's new extra terrestrials first-contact thriller Story of Your Life.

Though Star Trek Beyond is due in theaters in just over three months, the only love it got was passing mentions from studio boss Rob Moore and Simon Pegg as they presented an award to Abrams, who said he's seen some footage and that it was spectacular. And that was it.

Paramount didn't even deign to show the trailer from mid-December:

So what did we get to see on the first night of this first-look extravaganza? 

Not much. 

We knew coming in that Paramount is struggling to compete with franchise heavyweights Warner Bros. and Disney, whose presentations are coming up on Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively. Good thing, too -- because the pickings were slim on Monday night.

Here are a few highlights from the Colosseum in Las Vegas:

'Baywatch'

There was a time when a certain giddy optimism for Baywatch was understandable, as the Dwayne Johnson vehicle from Seth Gordon (Horrible Bosses) started casting up babes like Zac Efron and Kelly Rohrbach.

But the sizzle reel shown Monday night -- the first footage of any kind that we've seen -- was like being whiplashed around on a cheap amusement park ride. Is it going to be wickedly self-aware? Biting and smart-assed? Goofy and playful?

So far, there's no reason to think this thing's gonna float.

'Story of Your Life'

Though the title suggests more Nicolas Sparks than Denis Villeneuve, this is indeed the Sicario director's big shot at sci-fi, and it was well-received here by the fanboy keyboard corps. 

Adams plays an "expert linguist" who is brought in to divine the intentions of these latest beasties from outer space -- we know because in one scene, Forest Whitaker's character puts a voice recorder in front of her and plays a series of hums, growls and clicking sounds. 

Can you translate it?

This he asks of her without irony.  

Ew boy.

Jeremy Renner and Amy Adams at CinemaCon on Monday night. Credit: Getty

What follows is a whole lot of dramatic bombast as the team enters the egg-shaped spacecraft to meet our new neighbors, who look more like the aliens from Independence Day than anything else.

The talent involved is enough to have high hopes that this aliens-have-landed-what-becomes-of-us story, but for now, don't believe the hype -- the footage was nothing to phone home about.

'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows'

Sigh. Sorry we have to do this ...

So CinemaCon brings a lot of big stars onstage, to the delight visiting theater owners from all around the world, and a lot of silly shenanigans go down that make them laugh. But returning Turtles stars Megan Fox and Will Arnett onstage together had to be the most pointless, awkward thing we've seen here. 

And the room went dead.

Arnett walked out to the podium talking on his phone, followed by aimless pointless banter, followed by a pizza delivery that they then brought to AMC Theaters CEO Adam Aron, who was sitting deep in the crowd. 

"Are we bringing this to him? They want us to go out here. OK," said Fox, and the room went even more dead as they made the long trek.

If you don't know what the hell we're talking about, it's OK, no one in the house did either. It ended like this:

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

As for the movie's footage itself, well -- TMNT somehow made $493 million worldwide, and it doesn't appear like we're getting major changes here. 

There was a setpiece where the turtles fly through the air for a hard landing on a giant military aircraft, kind of like what Bane did in The Dark Knight Rises, by way of Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.

Except with big rubbery turtles.

We also got footage from the Jack Reacher sequel Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, complete with Tom Cruise video message; horror sequel Rings; latest sword-and-sandals failure-in-waiting Ben Hur and Brad Pitt/Marion Cotillard WWII drama Allied.

Cowa ... bunga?

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