Cities are getting thirsty for that new Amazon headquarters

It's been nearly two weeks since Amazon announced that it's looking for the perfect place to build its second American headquarters and in that time, there's been a frenzy of cities hoping to catch Jeff Bezos' eye so he can choo-choo-choose them.

Amazon has put out some parameters for their eventual choice, noting it's looking for metro areas of at least 1 million people and preferably an urban or downtown space. Other guidelines, like "a stable and business-friendly environment" are bit more vague.

If we're being honest, just about every damn city in the country (and a few in Canada) would probably love to host Amazon's second home and the 50,000 jobs, $5 billion investment, and all the name recognition that comes with being home to one of the largest tech companies on Earth.

Some, though, are striving to be noticed more than others.

Let's start with Tuscon, Arizona, a relatively pleasant city that made the decision to cut down a 21-foot saguaro cactus and send it to Bezos as a really weird gift.

The move was so strange and really, really out there it even spawned backlash from within its own state. Tuscon was previously in the running for a Tesla factory but lost out; whether or not they sent Elon Musk a cactus, I don't know.

Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto wasted no time making his intentions of wooing the giant company clear.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

At least Pittsburgh has a little experience with tech giants. The Steel City has offices for Google and Facebook and has been the home of one of Uber's self-driving car pilot programs.

Kansas City mayor Sly James also gave his city's bid a shout-out on Twitter and linked to a Kansas City Star editorial board piece that noted all the plusses in Kansas City.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

Well, except for the airport. But the Star swears, "we're working on it!"

Less likely but no less enthused is New Castle County Executive Matt Meyer in Delaware who thinks the Wilimington area has a shot, too, despite it not meeting some of Amazon's criteria and, I'm sorry, also being in Delaware.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

Said Meyer, with hopefully at least a little bit or irony, "The way I see it, there are only two finalists for Amazon’s HQ2. It’s just us and everybody else. And we have as much shot as anyone.”

Another plea came from Huntsville, Alabama (my hometown) which is already home to NASA, Boeing and other large engineering firms and is home to a few Bezos-related entities. Still, the city poured its heart into a Facebook post as soon as the race was on.

But it's not just the little guy who finds itself crowing hard to get noticed; some of the big dogs are doing it, too.

For instance, the Dallas Morning News went FULL TEXAS on Bezos, reminding Bezos of his Texan roots through lots of puns using song titles of Bezos' cousin, country music legend George Strait. And of course they played the food card--but is it effective if that passage includes the line, "You can find sushi in most exurb strip malls"?

And the News even did the 2017 equivalent of a mixtape, making Bezos a Spotify playlist of Strait songs.

And in colder climes, the editorial board at the Chicago Sun-Times (full disclosure: a former employer of mine) laid it on thick with lines like, "Amazon represents the next chapter in the kind of quintessentially American disruptive innovation that has been Chicago’s whole story."

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

Given that the city is mentioned in stories about likely favorites, it comes off as trying just a bit too hard when you don't really have to. Play it cool, guys, like Detroit.

Other large cities, like Houston, New York City, and Boston, have made their interests known but in a more lowkey way.

But it's clear the thirst is far and wide, I can't help but wonder if there's something more sinister afoot from Based God Bezos. Like, maybe he already knows where he's gonna plunk this sucker down but he just wants to hear the rest of the country beg for his benevolence.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

I'm not saying that Bezos would actually do that but when a guy takes as much care to dress like a BADASS BAWSE as Bezos has, maybe there's something more going on under the surface, ya know?

I'm not saying he's Lex Luthor but I'm saying to Wilimington and Huntsville and all those other smaller towns, maybe you don't have the infrastructure for an evil genius?

For now, Amazon isn't tipping its hand and there's no timetable for an announcement.

It's probably going to go to Denver anyway, so good job, good effort, everyone else. It's 2017 so at least we all get participation trophies.