Daters: Stop obsessing over height

This article contains spoilers for Materialists.

When the internet discovered that Tinder was testing a height preference, it reignited a long-discussed matter: the importance of height, particularly men's height, in dating. The new film Materialists touches on height and romance as well, and now it's the topic du jour once again.

Focusing on appearance seems to be a plague on modern society; see the obsession with plastic surgery broadly and the meme about wanting a "man in finance, trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes" from last year. Yet height has been an issue with partners meeting each other for much longer. The Journal of Social Psychology published an article about height in mate selection back in 1954! The introduction states: "Undoubtedly, body height plays a role in the process of forming an attachment. The norm in our culture is that among lovers and married couples the man is taller than the woman."

Height shouldn't matter. How tall someone is doesn't reflect how thoughtful someone is, how good in bed they are, how they treat their family, or any number of deeper questions one might have when picking a life partner. So why does it matter?

Why height matters in dating

A more recent article (from 2015) published in Evolutionary Psychology presents a few possibilities about why women want taller men: perceived safety (a taller man is seen as more masculine and tougher), potential reproductive benefits (taller kids), and societal norms. Women may even think taller men have a better socioeconomic status than shorter men. 

Beyond evolutionary theory, it's not that surprising to me that it's in vogue to care so much about height right now. Conservative ideals have spread online in the past few years (just look at who's president in the U.S.). The manosphere, a cluster of far-right, misogynistic creators like Andrew Tate, has soared in its influence, especially on men and boys. They present an idea that men need to be dominant and women submissive. 

This movement is coupled with the rise of tradwives, who are anti-feminist and perpetuate the notion that a woman's place is in the home. 

These right-wing influencers promote gender essentialism, the idea that men and women have inherent biological traits and features. Many are also anti-LGBTQ, particularly anti-trans. Their content promotes heterosexual relationships — "traditional" kinds, where the man is the head of the household and the woman follows. 

As such, in the conservative ideal, a man should be bigger than a woman and take up more space. Like I mentioned in an interview on AirTalk about Tinder's height feature, women are taught to be small, especially smaller than their partners. Like the societal ideal of a large penis, this idea stems in patriarchy — and patriarchy hurts men, too. Men are supposed to be bigger and stronger. But what about men who aren't?

Some men are trying to buck genetics, thanks to expensive and painful elective surgery to lengthen their legs. As NBC News reported, the surgery requires cutting into leg bones and inserting rods. Recovery involves intensive physical therapy and eventually removing the rods. 

Materialists takes on this controversial surgery in the context of modern dating.

Height and dating in Materialists

Harry (Pedro Pascal) is a rich, intelligent, and single man who falls for matchmaker Lucy (Dakota Johnson) after meeting at a wedding. In Lucy's work, women are looking for a tall man with a taller salary, while men typically look for thin, attractive, and young women. Lucy herself only cares about a man being rich, though slowly over the course of the film, she realizes her broke ex John (Chris Evans) is the one for her.

Still, before then, Lucy falls for Harry's money and physical attributes. She calls him a 10/10 because he is not only rich and from a rich family but also tall. They start seeing each other, usually at Harry's $12 million home in Manhattan. 

But the relationship doesn't last long. There's a moment in the movie when Lucy discovers scars on Harry's legs. At first, she lets it go, but eventually she must ask: Did you get the surgery?

Yes, it turns out. Harry not only paid hundreds of thousands to have himself surgically made taller, but he apparently added as many inches on him as possible (six). He said he wouldn't have the courage to hit on Lucy at that wedding otherwise. 

When I watched Materialists at its New York premiere, the audience howled at this moment. The scene is meant for laughs, with strategic pauses from the actors, but it highlights a deep-rooted superficiality in our society. 

Lucy breaks up with Harry in this scene — apparently not because he was disingenuous about his height, but simply because she's not in love with him and neither is he in love with her.

As a bisexual person, I have a different perspective on height than straight women: I don't get it. I do get it from an internalized patriarchal way of wanting to be smaller than one's partner. Of wanting to be the "damsel," maybe, and a big, strong person coming to your rescue.

But height is something out of one's control, and — in my opinion — not what makes someone attractive. Beyond someone's physical traits, what makes someone hot is their personality, their interests, their empathy and care for others, and so much more.

Materialists accurately scalps daters' obsession with looks and superficial traits, hence the title. When Harry tries to win Lucy over, he says he's not interested in material assets. Unfortunately, he might be in the minority. But at a time when people are desperate to get off dating apps, they can't seem to overcome the shallowness they perpetuate. This is undoubtedly also a result of social media penetrating every aspect of our lives. We see people who look nothing like the actual human beings in our orbit, having relationships that seem perfect from the 60-second clips they post online. Worse, some of these influencers push misogynistic and archaic ideas about relationships. 

In order to have real connections (and be less lonely as a result), it's time to shed what social media and influencers say we should have and focus on what matters, because someone tall may ultimately come up short.

Materialists is now in theaters.