What we're getting wrong about dating, according to a Kinsey scientist

In 2026, it's difficult to detangle love with tech, given the rise of dating apps and now AI. But an evolutionary biologist doesn't think it's changed the fabric of how relationships form.

"I think that these technologies are becoming more popular and more pervasive and more advanced, but they're still not at a place where they're overturning four million years of evolution in terms of our desire to form intense bonds," said Dr. Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute, in an interview with Mashable. 

Garcia is the author of the just-released book The Intimate Animal, all about the science behind sex and love. He sat down with Mashable to discuss AI, dating apps, and Gen Z daters — just in time for Valentine's Day. 

AI relationships as 'training wheels'

Singles are using AI in different ways to date. Some use it to optimize their photos and bios, while others skip over human relationships entirely and date AI. In a survey last year, AI companion company Joi found that eight out of 10 Gen Zers would "marry" an AI.

Garcia sees AI as somewhat helpful if you think of it as "training wheels" — if you want a bit of advice or want to build confidence and practice. 

"The thing about training wheels is the best case, you take them off at some point," he said. 

There are elements of a relationship that aren't replicated in chatting with an LLM (as of this publication, anyway — who knows what advances can be made). One that Garcia identified is the reciprocal nature of relationships. "Part of what we want in a relationship is 'I want to do good things for you. I want you to do good things for me,'" he said. 

The psychology of a couple's relationship includes the dyadic (consisting of two parts) process of whether you're growing together and making each other's lives better. For example, waking up early when you don't want to and making breakfast for you and your partner. 

Three elements of a relationship are me, you, and us, Garcia explained. "I'm not convinced at current that people interacting with these AIs think there's an 'us.'"

AI relationships seem more transactional. "If I have a relationship with AI, yeah, it's going to tell me every day that I'm smart and I'm handsome…there's something nice about that," he said, "but do I really think I'm making its life better?" Part of a happy, satisfying relationship is making your partner's life better. 

Pluses and minuses of dating apps

Garcia has worked with Match as a scientific adviser since 2010, but he's not afraid to be critical of the apps. 

"The challenge with the apps is they're divorced from how we've engaged in courtship for millions of years," he said. When we meet a potential partner, we want to hear their voice, see their body language, smell them, feel them, know their social network — you can't get that from an app (OK, maybe their voice if you're using Hinge's voice note feature). 

That's not to say apps haven't been a boon to different groups of people, such as those who are neurodivergent or daters who want something very particular, whether it's a certain religion or fetish. You can find someone with an app. "That's so incredible to me, that we have that ability," he said.

But its positives don't erase the negatives of dating apps, like distraction, attention, and overoptimization. Ghosting and bad user behavior are other gripes. 

And dating app burnout doesn't exist in a vacuum. People have reported burnout in other areas of life, not just dating, and Garcia sees that as adaptive in some ways to our current political, financial, and environmental climates.

But even with these challenges, courtship has always been a competition, Garcia said, and it wasn't any more fun 100 or 200 years ago. So the real question of dating apps is, how do we use them better?

"We can think about being more intentional. We can think about filling out our own profiles, thinking about engaging with a profile," he said. And remember that dating is also a dyadic process, meaning between two people, so more intentional choices are not going through 1,000 people swiping, going on second dates, even though there are other options on your phone. 

"Similar to AI, [apps are] tools that we can use. When we let them run the show, we get ourselves into trouble," Garcia said. 

Gen Z daters need to stop self-optimizing 

There are other challenges that don't have to do with dating apps, but might be the fault of technology. Newly published research from Match Group and the Kinsey Institute suggests that young adults want love, but believe they're not ready for it. Only 55 percent of 18-29 year-olds feel prepared to pursue a romantic relationship, while 80 percent believe they'll find true love. (This is according to a survey of 2,500 U.S. singles conducted by The Harris Poll between September and October 2025.)

"We're seeing a generation of people who are too focused on self-actualization," Garcia told Mashable, such as the belief that you have to work on yourself before you enter a relationship.

"You think our ancestors 'worked on themselves'?" he joked. We, young adults in particular, are focused on the idea that we have to "work on ourselves" in isolation, then show up to a potential date ready. And some self-improvement can happen on one's own, but Garcia said, "working on yourself happens in the context of a relationship." 

"That relationship is the container for making mistakes and finding yourself and having a trusted co-pilot to pick you up and to support each other," he said. 

Young people might have too much emphasis on "I need to be perfect, and you need to be perfect, and we have to go figure out what we want in a corner," he said. "I don't think it's helpful."

Match Group's Human Connections Lab researcher Amelia Miller believes tech plays a role in these feelings among young adults. 

"Social media and AI companions are teaching Gen Z that the messiness of human relationships is something to be tamed, not embraced, but vulnerability and friction are essential ingredients of intimacy," Miller said in the press release for the data. "The self-actualization that Gen Z is seeking out solo is actually unlocked through relationships with others."

So maybe in 2026, we don't need more tech to optimize ourselves; we don't need to optimize at all. Maybe to find love, we need to be a bit more human.