How I learned to own my dating hiatus

LONDON -- Sitting in an East London bar with a cocktail in hand, I spot my friend from across the room. She makes her way over to me and, after some initial chitchat, she leans forward as if she's about to divulge her deepest, darkest secret. 

Instead, she asks me something every single person dreads: "So, how's the love life?" 

Though seemingly innocuous, it's one the question I don't want to be asked, regardless of my relationship status. But, whenever I object, my reaction is pegged as the bitter invective of an eternal singleton.

In reality, there are many other aspects of my life that I consider more important: my job, my new house, my travel plans, my friends, not to mention all the exciting things I've been getting up to.

If TV, films and books undergo the scrutiny of the Bechdel test, then women IRL should be able to talk about something other than their love and sex lives. 

In the words of Jessa from Girls: "I don’t like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it."

"I don’t like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it."

But, when I'm continuously asked who I'm dating, who I'm texting, or who I'm interested in, it feels like a subtle-as-a-brick prod that I'm not normal; that I should be doing what's expected of me. 

I respond to my friend with a clipped: "I haven't been on any dates lately, so not much to report I'm afraid," before changing the subject. 

The sheer fact that I have to say those words makes me feel like a loser. 

I hadn't even thought about dates until I'd been asked that question, and after that it's all I can think about. 

Why haven't I been on any dates? Is everyone else going on dates except me? Is there something wrong with me? 

I hadn't expected to meet up with a friend and go home feeling bad about myself -- which was by no means my friend's intention -- but that's what happened.

Seriously though, is there another question more irritating than this? 

As well as the endless other questions my friend could have asked me instead, I reflected on my own answer. I had skirted past her question as if I felt bad about myself. But, the truth is, I didn't feel bad about it at all. There are times in everyone's life where dating isn't a priority, and there are months when work gets in the way of meeting anyone new. 

Sometimes -- even when you do have the time to invest in your love life -- you just don't meet people you like. This is precisely what was going on with me, and I knew that; so why did I react so awkwardly?

When you're in the midst of a dating hiatus -- whether it's voluntary or involuntary -- there's usually a reason why. You could be in the throes of heartbreak; you could be grieving or going through a difficult time; or -- wait for it -- you could just be totally happy on your own. 

In my experience, even when I've been in the middle of a particularly trying time, I've still felt the pressure to have an interesting answer to that question. 

I can't change the conversation, and I can't control the questions people ask me, but I can control my response.

Before meeting with friends, I remind myself that I might get asked that loathsome question, and I mentally prepare myself to cross that bridge when I come to it. My response: "It's empowering to be single. That's what I'm doing until further notice. And, I feel good about that."

"It's empowering to be single. That's what I'm doing until further notice. And, I feel good about that."

That's not the only response, however. 

There always: "I haven't been on many dates lately because of all these other super exciting things going on. Wanna hear about those?"

Or: "I haven't met anyone I like lately, and I don't feel like wasting time going on dates just for the sake of it."

Or, if you're feeling feisty: "I will not be defined by the number of dates I've gone on, and nor should anyone else."

In that vein, if you ever feel the urge to ask someone for some gossip about their dating antics, wait for the person to volunteer that information. Otherwise, ask them something else; you'll probably find that conversation infinitely more interesting.

For now, I've made up my mind to shift my conversations away from any trysts and dalliances, and instead focus on the things that matter more to me. That's not to say I'll never talk about love, sex or dating to my friends, but if dating doesn't take up my whole life, it shouldn't take up the whole conversation. 

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