Being a human is rough, so here is my application to be a dog
To Whom it May Concern:
Hello! I am writing to express my interest in transforming my human self into that of a dog. I was thrilled to come across the opening you advertised and am confident I would be an excellent choice for this position.
First, I am a longtime fan of dogs, and have been very impressed with the dozens of good dogs I have met throughout my lifetime. It has been my longstanding belief that dogs are good and humans are bad. For example, dogs have never declined to release their tax returns, and are not weird about mixing different foods together. And to my knowledge, a dog has never cheated at Egyptian Ratscrew by constantly holding its paw above the deck even though its seat is already the closest to the middle of the table.
Anyway, if given this position, I anticipate a fairly seamless transition into the routine tasks associated with being a dog. For example, I have ample experience chasing things: buses, trains, Ubers that I have accidentally given the wrong address, even my career goals (ha!). I am also a big enjoyer of snacks between meals, which is directly applicable to the “must love treats” requirement outlined in your job listing.
Also worth noting: I am not attached to reading, grapes, a sense of irony or the difference between green and red objects.
As a current human woman, I can also bring a unique perspective to the dog community, including insider information on politics, semiotics, why everyone has a name and whether you should bring back the ball or just keep it by you for a while. Additionally, I understand the utilitarian purpose of sweaters: maybe you do not know this, but they are not just for making you uncomfortable. They can also keep the middle portion of your body warm.
My resumé is attached. Of course, please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or concerns. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!
In dog we trust,
A Dog Lover
Chloe was the shopping editor at Mashable. She was also previously a culture reporter. You can follow her on Twitter at @chloebryan.
