Lorelai, please, please, please drink less coffee in the 'Gilmore Girls' reboot

When the news broke that Gilmore Girls would return with new episodes, I was overjoyed.

I started re-watching the series in order to prepare myself. But this time around, I noticed something really dangerous happening, and not that Rory's into Dean -- even though Dean sucks.

I became increasingly worried about Lorelai. SHE IS DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE.

While I have high hopes for this season (Rory steals another boat, Jess hosts a reading for his chapbook in the gazebo and Kirk goes to grad school), my greatest hope is simply that Lorelai drinks less coffee.

Quotes from Lorelai:

• "I need coffee in an IV."

• "What I need now is lots and lots of coffee."

• "Do you like coffee?" "Only with my oxygen."

• "I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and the words putting into sentence doing."

• "I need caffeine. Whatever form you've got. I haven't had any all day. I'll drink it, shoot it, eat it, snort it, whatever form it's in. Gimme!"

Now replace coffee with something bad, like machine guns or illegal drugs. You're concerned, right? Exactly.

Upon my re-watch, I realized that Gilmore Girls is not the sweet show with quirky, quick-paced dialogue set in a town with a revolving door of silly weirdos that we know and love. In reality, Gilmore Girls is a high-intensity drama about the dangers of caffeine addiction.

It controls Lorelai's life: she is always running off to Luke's. Why do you think she is rumored to marry him in the new episodes? To get to the coffee even more quickly.

Was there ever really romantic chemistry with Luke, or has she always thought of him as a mere vessel for coffee; a big, sentient French press who could serve her and her alone, if only she married him? We must start the conversation. Is this the depiction of love we want to see portrayed on television or our overheating laptops in bed as we binge-watch?

When the original episodes of the show aired, it was a different time. The public was less educated about the harmful effects of drinking a ton of coffee each day.

Caffeine addiction is known to disastrously affect a person's habits, beyond how it forces a person to constantly go out of their way to get coffee. Lorelai likely suffers from sleep disruption. She is clearly trapped in a cycle, in which coffee keeps her up at night, causing her to need more coffee in the morning.

The Gilmores talk extremely fast. This is an obvious sign that their caffeine levels are way too high. It's because they're so hyped up on coffee, they literally cannot slow down.

After years of living away from Lorelai, I certainly hope that Rory will have given up her coffee habit, and I hope that Lorelai has reduced her intake too. If not, there may never be a second season of the reboot of Gilmore Girls.