Meeting notes from our office's all-hands Kingsmoot
In an effort to hold more efficient and productive meetings, our office has recently begun to employ the Kingsmoot, as opposed to a sit-down brainstorm or a conference call.
Popularized by House Greyjoy in Game of Thrones, a Kingsmoot is like a regular meeting in several ways -- the frequent interruptions, the roundtable arrangement and the way nepotism plays a major role in who gets to speak.
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What follows are the minutes of our most recent Kingsmoot.
Meeting called to order 10:15 a.m.
Introduction by Dennis, the office's priest of the Drowned God. Overview of meeting's goal: to discuss Q3 growth, plan for Q1 and choose a new king to lead the office into battle with our rivals.
10:25am: Don Snyder, Q3 sales.
All sales goals met in Q3, showing promising outlook for Q4.
10:30am: Kelly Davis challenges Don's leadership.
Calls into question several small purchases made on Don's company card. Crudely implies that Don does not have a penis.
10:40am: Prolonged cheering from sales team.
Don leaves the meeting, never to return.
10:45am: James the intern brought in to become full time employee.
Dennis has James fill out some paperwork and sign his contract. Dennis also holds James' head in the fish tank until he passes out.
10:50am: James awakes, coughs up lungfuls of water.
He will start at $45,000 a year, with a year-end bonus if goals are met.
11:00am: Lunch orders collected by Benjamin.
An order of several hardshell tacos is placed, Benjamin agrees to pick up the order.
11:10am: Prolonged cheering for Benjamin.
Bless him with salsa, bless him with timely Venmo payments, bless him with kind affirmations about his haircut. What is dead may never die. What is picked up may never cool in transit.
11:20am: Kelly Snyder kills Henry from accounting.
Those loyal to Henry are now managed by Kelly, who is a lot more chill about when people come into the office in the morning.
11:30am: Henry is placed in a lobster cage and sunk into the sea.
A beautiful ceremony.
11:45am: Brainstorm for sales conference presentation.
In lieu of straightforward speech about methods, it is decided that we will build several large boats to show off at annual conference.
11:50am: Benjamin returns with tacos, is named king.
A good choice.
12:05pm: Meeting adjourned until lunch is consumed and enemies are dead.
Overall a very productive Kingsmoot.
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BONUS: George R.R. Martin seems pretty sad, you guys
Topics Game Of Thrones
Max Knoblauch is the Assistant Humor Editor in the NYC office. He is a journalist, comedian and illustrator. More humor and art by Max can be found on his website.Follow him @MaxKnoblauch
