I got it from my mama: How to tell if your bad habits are inherited

"Crap, I'm turning into my mother!"

If you haven't had this thought about your mother or someone else who raised you, just wait. Whether it's mannerisms, sayings or habits, many children "live what they learn" growing up.

"What we learn, we do. How could that not be true?" affirms Dr. Dan Siegel, neuropsychiatrist, executive director of the Mindsight Institute and founding co-director of Mindfulness Awareness Research Center.

In particular, the habits we learn from our parents or guardians can be extremely difficult to break. Our brains are more susceptible during our early years and therefore the things we learn become engrained, Siegel explains. "Because these neuroplastic changes are deep in the brain, they involve limbic areas below the cortex, and we can often feel that they are 'out of our control,' even though we can, in fact, change them."

"..The wonderful thing about being a human being is that we have the capacity for change because of consciousness."

Maybe you grew up with a very messy mom and find your own room in constant disarray — even after you promised you'd "never be like her!" Perhaps you watched your father overeat and you're running into issues with it yourself. 

Before you jump to conclusions and blame those who raised you for everything, remember it's not that simple. There's a difference between personality traits (which are inherent) and habits (learned behaviors). 

There are two components of “personality” that determine if we are going to mirror our parent’s bad habits: experience and temperament.

One is learned, Siegel says. "Experiences with family and friends, for example, shape the way the brain develops and thus form a bedrock for the ways our minds emerge over time — how we feel, think and behave.”

But the other is innate. “Temperament involves our innate neural propensities not formed by experience, but they influence how we experience the world, such as the sensitivity we have to stimuli, the degree of intensity of our responses, our internal mood and our response to novelty.”

So, the habits we absorb are based on a temperament we’re born with, experiences we can’t control and how we make sense of the two. Because of temperament, some people are more susceptible to adopt bad habits than others. This doesn’t mean we can’t change bad habits; for example, just because you watched an episode of Law and Order doesn’t mean you will go out and commit a murder. You "experienced" it but that doesn’t mean you have to live it.

Siegel, who has written several books on how to make effective life changes, says the best way to correct any type of negative trait is to self-reflect. "Being aware of our inner life — taking time-in — enables us to perceive patterns that before would have been invisible to the mind. With such new perception, we can conceive of ways to make for new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. Put simply, consciousness can cultivate choice and change."

If you are a parent or guardian, the only surefire way to prevent your child from adopting your bad habits is to not exemplify them. Of course, no one is perfect and policing who you are is not the answer. But being self-aware of your own habits may help prevent exhibiting negative ones to your children.

Dr. Jennifer Trachtenberg, assistant clinical professor of pediatrics of the Icahn School of Medicine Mount Sinai and author of Good Kids, Bad Habits: The RealAge Guide to Raising Healthy Children, reiterates that children with unhealthy habits grow into adults with unhealthy habits. 

"Habits that are formed in childhood continue on into adult life and can have a huge impact on our health and well being...It takes about 90 days to turn a major change into a true habit. So breaking a bad habit or forming a good habit can take some time."

Trachtenberg has developed the "Four I's" for parents to confront their own and, therefore, their children's habits, both good and bad: 

1. Identify — determine the habit that needs to be adopted or modified.
   

2. Inform — explain why this habit is vital and necessary for health and happiness.
   

3. Instruct — specifically help your child develop and master the habit.
   

4. Instill — reinforce the habit with reminders and support (until it become internalized and part of the family routine).
   

While it's easy to chalk up our bad habits as "character flaws," it is possible to change them. And it doesn't involve the blame game. 

Plus, think of all the new space you'll have for healthy, good habits.

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