Attention staff: The portal to hell in our office kitchen is merely a distraction from the real issues

Thanks everyone for coming to this last minute all-staff meeting, I really appreciate it.

Before we get into it I have to just announce that yes: we are all aware of the portal to hell that has opened in our office kitchen, flooding the bottom floor with an incredible heat and the tortured screams of lost souls.

What you may not know, however, is that the portal to hell (which has already consumed so many of our dear coworkers) is merely a distraction from the larger issues that threaten this office. Do NOT allow yourself to be distracted by it.

Everyone, please, stop screaming. Listen, I know the portal to hell is bad. Of course it's bad! The portal's steady, unstoppable expansion and ability to put bad thoughts directly into all of our minds is not a good thing. I'm just saying that it's obviously a distraction.

See, the beings that created the kitchen portal want us thinking about the kitchen portal, mourning those who have been taken by the kitchen portal and alerting the authorities of the kitchen portal's existence. We must resist this urge and instead focus our efforts on things that are worse.

What worse things, you ask? Well, for starters, there's the other portal to hell that has formed in men's bathroom. That's no good, and it opened up a little bit earlier than the kitchen portal.

Also, there's the fact that Marshall, the advertising intern, has created a throne of bones for himself and has been speaking with four voices at once. I say we should ignore the kitchen portal and instead pay attention to the bathroom portal and Marshall, who is currently on his mandatory lunch break.

Marshall the advertising intern is clearly possessed. Credit: mashable composite, getty images

No, all three things cannot simultaneously be bad, Karen. What a dumb, bad thing to say.

Folks, if we want to survive, we have to rank the awful things that are happening and spend our time deciding which of them is "really" bad and which is merely a distraction from the other bad things. And, obviously, we have to make that judgment call in under three minutes, or we could look silly for having been distracted.

And, while we're talking about it, could everyone here go like my Facebook status about how I'm not distracted by the portal to hell in our office kitchen? Thank you.

This portal is worse because I really need to wash my hands. Credit: mashable composite, getty images, wikimedia commons

What's that, Devon? What's my plan to fix these issues that I've deemed worse? I have no idea!

I'm not naive -- I'm aware that I will more than likely meet my demise at the hands of Marshall or at the grasping, fiery tentacles of the monsters in the bathroom portal.

But hey, at least I won't be distracted.