'Voluptuously creamy' and 'sharp thrusts': Damn, cheese descriptions are super horny
Mashable bites into a creamy, nutty, gooey, and sometimes stinky world during our first-ever Cheese Week.
Some take the concept of “cheese lover” a little too literally.
Whether it's flavor profiles, packaging, or story, cheese available in the U.S. gets described in some of the most sensual and arousing words available in the English language. When this reporter went to local Los Angeles gourmet cheese shop Say Cheese, for example, the cheesemonger did not blink twice at her request to hear about some of their most sexually-charged cheeses.
Sure, the same can often be said for wines and chocolates. But melting cheese is a true staple of the best food porn, with sultry raclette sizzled right on the wheel and dripped onto the plates of restaurant patrons fighting off a public food orgasm.
Cheese is a universal love language, even for lactose intolerants. So it's only understandable that cheesemakers and sellers express their love for it through self-indulgent verbal journeys that, midway through, make you forget you're not reading porn. There's a reason why gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins along with lust, and it's because both tickle a similar hedonistic need.
Just switch out some key words in the descriptions below, and you'd have a banging Tinder bio. Actually, most bachelors and bachelorettes only wish they could boast as much personality and libidinal energy.
Here are just a few select cheeses that kind of seem like they want to fuck you:
Bachelor: Cashel Blue, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: This decadent, chocolatey and golden-hued Irish blue is the treasure at the end of a rainbow.
The Flavor Experience: For the luck of the Irish, here's a whimsical and enchanted Irish blue cheese. It’s full of rich, voluptuously creamy textures punctuated with a little spicy lift from the blue veining. Young wheels are firm and relatively moist, with a fresh and slightly sharp flavor. With a bit of aging, it develops a melt-in-the-mouth creaminess and a rounder, more mellow flavor.
Bachelor: Bucheron Cheese, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: Fudgy and spreadable when warm, but with crumble capability. The belle of the ball, but in practical shoes.
The Flavor Experience: Named for its shape, a log, that promotes the ideal ratio of ripe creamline and flaky center, and is just the right form to slice off big slabs, Bucheron is the bloomy-rind goat cheese that taught you to love, perhaps obsess over, this style. With a texture that will crumble when you need crumbles and spread when you need spreading, the bright grassiness of its fudgy paste and tender rind remind you why we just can’t stop talking about goat cheese.
Bachelor: Epoisses de Bourgogne Cheese, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: Eggy custard oozes and runs. A noblewoman that initiates will never Forget [sic].
The Flavor Experience: Burgundy’s iconic Epoisses is the classic stinky cheese. Pierce the grooved, burnt sienna rind to start the glossy, liquid gold running. Its pungent meatiness will stick with you, both on your palate and in your memory. You may need to open a window, or shut the door when you’ve found it’s just too good to share.
Bachelor: Mahon Reserva, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: Earthy and familiar with a nutty finish; Dense, cheddary, uncomplicated; Chewy and dry, the beef jerky of Spanish cheese.
The Flavor Experience: Known as the cheddar of Spain, Mahon will serenade your palate like a Spanish conquistador of flavor with a guitar made of desire.
Bachelor: Moliterno Bianco Sardo, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: Fatty, not too dry. Not too crumbly. An olive oil bath makes sure of that.
The Flavor Experience: Pay attention to the rind. It's an indicator that this cheese is made in the old world style known as 'en canestrato' meaning that it is formed in a wicker basket and left to cure. When stable enough to be moved, it is rubbed down with olive oil and set to age on reeds for a minimum of six months. Like an Italian bodybuilder, this cheese sweats oil and has the physique to match; tight yet supple, balanced, and rugged on the outside.
Bachelor: Pecorino Romano, Di Bruno Bros.
Bio: Firm and granular, yet glossy. Sheep milk's leap towards immortality.
The Flavor Experience: Pecorino Romano is a savory warrior delivering sharp thrusts of sea salt, umami, and seasoned meat to the palate with a lingering zest at the finish. Its firm, granular paste maintains a glossy mouthfeel as a result of the incredible richness and abundance of butterfat content in the sheep’s milk it is produced from. This cheese transcends the ages — it is as relevant to the contemporary dinner table as it was to ancient Roman banquets.
Bachelor: Délice des Crémiers, Cheese Month Club
Bio: You’ll find Délice des Crémiers a delicate and rich triple crème that will melt your heart and make your cheeks blush! If you care to try the bloomy rind (not everyone does), you’ll discover that it provides a slightly salty tang on the finish. Matured 2-4 weeks, its mouthfeel is as velvety as it gets; buttery cow's milk plus added cream make sure of that. It’s luxurious and indulgent and a world-class dessert cheese in its own right. As long as we’re being indulgent, why not pair it with a flute of Champagne and fresh berries, or an effervescent lager. Délice des Crémiers also pairs perfectly with fresh fruits like apples, grapes or peaches.
Bachelor: Crottin, Robiola, and Pierre Robert, Artisanal Cheese
Buttery smooth and luscious. We recommend you let these soft cheeses rest for a few days at room temperature. Dive in when the top of the cheese begins to sag a little bit, indicating that the inside has begun to soften and ripen into a pool of pure heaven. Eyes rolling to the ceiling good.
Bachelor: U Pecorinu, Murray's Chese
Bio: Hailing from the island of Corsica, these ruddy discs of sheep's milk are as wild and untamed as the mountainous wilderness they come from. Sheepy and funky, with a luscious, oozing texture, this cheese practically gets down on its knees and begs to be paired with a luscious, ruddy farmhouse saison.
Bachelorette: Moliterno Al Tartufo, Murray's Cheese
Bio: This luxurious and holiday party-worthy pecorino is aged for six months before earthy black truffle is added to the mix. Once the cheesemaker deems the un-truffled wheels delicious enough in their own right, they are sent North -- to truffle country! -- to be ever-so-delicately drilled and filled with rich truffle paste. The result is a visually stunning cheese that manages to taste even better than she looks. Think big, bold Italian or Californian reds when looking for a drinkable companion; Moliterno is hearty and decadent enough to require pairings that can stand up to her bold flavors.
Bachelor: Il Boschetto al Tartufo, Il Forteto, Zabars
Bio: What a special treat! Cow's and sheep's milk are combined with truffle, and aged for just a few months. The cheese and the truffle complement each other beautifully: sweet, savory, pleasantly briny cheese, and woodsy, garlicky truffle, with neither overpowering the other. Its semi-soft, pleasantly toothsome texture will bring about a sigh of relief and an exclamation of, "Ah, nice!" upon tasting.
Bachelor: Delice De Bourgogne, Zabars
Bio: This triple-creme, made by Lincet, is rich, buttery and decadent, but the creme-fraiche added to the curds adds a nice sour-cream-like lactic note to prevent the cheese from becoming too cloying and one-note. The floral rind tends to be on the pungent side and mushroomy, so if you find it too strong, trim it away -- there'll be enough paste to keep you happy. As you approach the center of the cheese, the paste solidifies a bit, but it's still velvety and seductive. We like this one because it is far less salty than some triple-cremes. Serve with a sparkling white; Champagne comes to mind.
Bachelor: Chaource Cheese, Zabars
Bio: Often mistakenly placed in the category of triple-creme, this AOC cheese is actually a double-creme, with just a little more fat (m.g.) than Brie and Camembert. We can't blame folks for thinking it has more fat than it does, because it's decadently rich, buttery, and creamy, with just a little bit of tang and salt. When it's a point (the preferred stage of maturity), it's a little assertive and very runny, and when you slice through the white bloomy rind, the paste will escape in a delicious, oozing mass. Scoop it up and serve with sweet berries and Champagne.
Jess is an LA-based culture critic who covers intimacy in the digital age, from sex and relationship to weed and all media (tv, games, film, the web). Previously associate editor at Kill Screen, you can also find her words on Vice, The Atlantic, Rolling Stone, Vox, and others. She is a Brazilian-Swiss American immigrant with a love for all things weird and magical.
