How to explain your sex toy to your mother

LONDON -- Sex toys are the gifts that keep on giving. But, whether you live with your mum, or you've moved out, there's always the worry that someone will stumble upon your sex toy stash.

And, for many of us awkward Brits, the very idea of our mothers finding our goody drawer is enough to put us off masturbation for life.

As some of us know, moving out of your parents' house does not make you immune to the "stealth" tidy; the lovely, but mildly annoying moment a parent decides to tidy up for you, even when you're a grown-ass adult. 

Unfortunately, mums have a knack for discovering things we don't want them to know or see. And, sex toys are just one of the myriad things we'd rather our parents didn't know about us.

Here's how to explain your sex toy -- or indeed toys -- to your mum...

There's no going back

OK, so your mum has found your sex toy. Shit. Every nightmare you've ever had is happening right now in reality. 

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Whether it's a vibrator, butt plug, dildo, or sex doll; most people would prefer to keep the contents of their goody drawer to themselves, and perhaps their sexual partners. 

OK, keep calm

Panic has set in and you are rueing the day you ever bought the damn thing. Will my mum ever see me in the same way again? Is she as horrified as I am? Ohgodohgodohgod. 

Take a deeeeeeep breath. Everything is going to be just fine. Because you're a grown-up. Grown-ups have sex, OK? And, they masturbate, too. It's all good. 

Chances are your mum -- once she gets past the initial shock --  will be relieved that you're in touch with your body. And, you never know, she might even have a secret sex toy stash of her own. 

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Don't yell 

Your first instinct might be to get annoyed, and to yell "get out" or "mind your own beeswax."

Don't lose your cool. Accidents happen, and your mum certainly didn't set out to find your goody drawer, even if she did decide that your bedside table needed a thorough tidy up. 

Take a few minutes to gather yourself, and resist any temptation to raise your voice and storm off. 

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Option one: Shrug it off 

Sex blogger Cara Sutra has first-hand experience of dealing with this particular predicament, and she opted for a blasé approach.  

"I just said: 'Well mum, we're in the 21st century now!' She just sort of smirked and looked away. It was her own fault for just bursting into my bedroom unannounced. She didn't live with me at the time, she was visiting my house," says Sutra.

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Being cool as a cucumber about it will help your mum feel less embarrassed about stumbling upon an intensely private object. Because, remember, this is by no means a joyful experience for her. 

Sutra also advises laughing it off, with a simple statement like: "Well, mum, that's what you get if you wander into my room unannounced."

Option two: Complete, unabashed honesty

If you're not in the mood for playing games, 100% honesty could be the route for you. Sex toys are a healthy expression of your sexuality, and they're also tonnes of fun.

Plus, your bedside table isn't the only one housing a sex toy. When last estimated, the UK sex toy industry was worth £250 million ($360 million), and it’s on the rise.

So, put on a brave face, take a deep breath and say: "Yes mum, that's my sex toy."

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Whether you choose to go into any more detail is entirely down to you, and how comfortable you feel talking to your mum about the inner workings of your adult device. If you don't mind explaining how it works, gauge her reaction first to see how curious and comfortable she is. 

Option three: Deny all knowledge 

Honesty is empowering, and it can feel really good to talk about sex and masturbation with your mum. But, sometimes it's not all that easy. If you really must lie, here's how to style it out...

Size matters. And, when it comes to situations like this, the size of your sex toy is everything. Sex and relationships blogger Oloni says that if the sex toy in question is a vibrator, you could easily tell a little white lie. 

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"I would say: 'Oh that, it's a new lip stick or mascara I bought on sale'," says Oloni.

"Some genuinely look like massagers! My advice would be go with a lie that works," she continues. 

If it's a bullet vibrator, or a something akin to a back massager, you could quite easily get away with it. If you don't feel like telling your mum about your sex toy, this option could be for you.

Channel this dude, and you're all set: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Option four: Lean into the awkwardness

There's no way out. You can't palm off the sex toy as a lipstick or a back massager, and your mum is just too damn smart for a line like that.

Cara Sutra advises acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation head-on. 

"If it's all totally accidental, then probably a straightforward and honest, "Sorry mum. Well, this is awkward! Let me just er... put that someplace else. And let's never speak of this again" might be better."

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Option five: Blame it on a friend

Honesty is the best policy, but if you really can't face telling your mum about your sex toy, Oloni recommends blaming it on a friend. And, preferably one that doesn't exist. 

"Why look bad, when you can put the blame on a non-existent friend," she says. "I'd say something like: 'Yeah, Cara who I went to secondary school with bought it for me as a laugh. You remember Cara, right?'"

Whatever goes down, know that your mum probably won't care. And, even if she does, she'll get over it. 

In the meantime, maybe keep your bedroom a little tidier so she won't feel the need to intervene again.

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