Trump dictated Donald Jr.'s Russia statement and we have the very real Air Force One black box transcripts to prove it

In a report by The Washington Post on July 31, it was revealed that Donald Trump personally dictated his son Donald Trump Jr.'s misleading statement about meeting with a Russian lawyer. Aboard Air Force One on July 8, Trump directed his son to tell the media that the meeting's subject did not involve the campaign and instead focused on an adoption program.

Mashable Humor was lucky enough to receive transcripts of the president's conversation while aboard Air Force One via the plane's black box. Crazy, we know!

[Footsteps, passengers are boarding Air Force One]

(Unknown): Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: I would like four rotisserie chickens and a pound of potato chips.

[Unintelligible, scuffling]

Trump: Bigger.

[More scuffling]

Trump: Good, these chickens will be large enough. Leave me be while I eat the chickens.

[For 50 minutes, the president consumes the chickens. The way that he eats them is disturbing and very loud. President Trump remarks at the size of each bone in the bird and all aboard the plane scramble to remark about its size. For the purposes of this story, we will now skip ahead to the relevant moments aboard the aircraft.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Papa can I speak with you please?

Trump: Eric, settle down.

[Fast paced footsteps can be heard close to the recording device and then receding further away. Eric Trump seems to be running back and forth on the plane, up and down the aisle]

Trump: Eric! Heel!

[The footsteps stop and you can hear Eric curl up in a ball and lay on a little bed with his name on it. It's hard to describe but you can hear this happen.]

Trump Jr.: Papa the media has found out about my meeting with the Russian lawyer.

Eric Trump: KILL THEM KILL THE MEDIA

Trump: Eric! To sleep!

[Eric's snoring can be heard within seconds]

Trump Jr.: What do I say Papa, what do I do?

Trump: Good, my first son. My oldest boy who shares my name. Don't worry, I have a plan. First, you must go on Twitter and be incomprehensibly unpleasant constantly. Just be a real piece of shit on that website. And then you will call up The New York Times and you will tell them that the meeting was about adoption.

Trump Jr.: Yes, papa. I will tell them we met about adoption. Adopting children, I will say. Yet another one of my classic meetings about adoption and children who are adopted. "Hello Mr. Reporter, I met with the Russian lawyer to discuss adopting 100 children from Russia, something I plan to do."

[Trump slaps his son hard on the forehead and it makes a boink sound]

Trump: No! Fool!

Trump Jr.: AAIIIIEEE!

[The sound of wheels squeaking]

(Unknown): Mr. President, could you pull up your sleeve.

Trump: Ah, good, my IV of Diet Coke is here. Donald, shut up for a moment while the doctor puts my IV in: the IV that I use each and every day to put two gallons of Diet Coke into my body.

[There is a squishing sound as the IV is inserted. Look, we know, okay? We're just telling you what's on the tape.]

Trump Jr.: What do I say, Papa?

Trump: All in good time. First, fetch me another chicken, my old son.

[Trump Jr. scuffles away]

Trump (Arrhythmically, to himself): Shake the boogie said up jump the boogie, Bawitdaba da bang da bang diggy diggy... I am a bad man.

[Trump Jr. returns and Trump swallows the chicken whole from the sound of it]

Trump: It was a short introductory meeting. I asked Jared and Paul to stop by. We primarily discussed a program about the adoption of Russian children that was active and popular with American families years ago and was since ended by the Russian government, but it was not a campaign issue at the time and there was no follow up. I was asked to attend the meeting by an acquaintance, but was not told the name of the person I would be meeting with beforehand.

[Trump Jr. furiously types the message, his fingers, wet with chicken grease, keep slipping off the keys]

Trump: Say that to them, my oldest boy, and this whole thing will for sure blow over and never come up again.

Trump Jr.: Thank you Papa

[The sound of a deep growl]

Trump: It's just turbulence, Eric. Back to sleep now.

[Snoring again]

Trump: We should all get some sleep. We have a long journey ahead. I have to go to the G20 summit and do a bunch of dumb crap.

[End transmission]

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