The 7 fake deaths in 'Huntsman: Winter's War' must be some kind of record

LOS ANGELES -- You know nothing of dubious death, Jon Snow. Huntsman: Winter's War is the rightful heir to the phony fatality.

The followup to Snow White and the Huntsman has no less than seven sham casualties -- that's one for every 16 minutes of runtime! What's more, most are resolved a few beats after they happen.

Oh! And, uh ... "Spoiler alert!" 

Almost forgot.

Surely the Internet will prove me wrong here, but seven has to be some kind of record. (If you can beat that, share your example in the comments.)

With comic books and fairy tales dominating Hollywood's must-make list, it's really no wonder we're seeing more resurrections than there are clumps of levitating dirt in that last shot of Batman v Superman. AHEM. 

But to pack seven into the same film? That is impressive.

In the event that you missed Huntsman: Winter's War and want to remain unspoiled ... can we suggest just re-watching The Lord of the Rings or Frozen instead?

Otherwise, here they are, the seven times people die (but not really) in Huntsman: Winter's War:

1. Ravenna is still alive in the first place

OK, we knew this one going in because Charlize Theron is clearly in the trailers. 

So technically, there was a fake death in Snow White and the Huntsman -- but it didn't convert until Winter's War. (In the 2012 film, Joan of Arc Snow White, played by Kristen Stewart, stabs Ravenna in the guts. You can watch it in the clip above.)

2. Jessica Chastain shanked on the other side of the ice wall

Jessica Chastain plays Merida Sara, the love interest of Thor. But love is forbidden at Castle Black, where Queen Elsa Freya (Emily Blunt) takes in troubled children for the Night's Watch. 

When the long-gestating love between Tauriel Sara and Thor is discovered, Elsa conjures an enchanted ice wall to separate them; she then makes Thor see Ygritte Sara get stabbed to death on the other side. 

Thor is sad. And mad! 

But it was only a trick -- Katniss Sara shows up later in the movie.

3. Jessica Chastain shoots Thor with an arrow

In a confrontation between Elsa and Thor, Merida Tauriel Ygritte Katniss must prove her loyalty. So she promptly sinks an arrow in the middle of Thor's chest.

Thor falls to the ground; his companions are in shock! 

But after Elsa's hunting party moseys away, satisfied that Thor is dead, he gets up! MTYK shot him in his groovy chest medallion! He bled a little, sure, but the ruse worked!

(How an arrow in the chest medallion appeared to not only stick, but sink deep into Thor's chest, is but one of Huntsman's many delicious mysteries. It's also not clear why that knocked him unconscious for several minutes, when repeated blows to the head don't even dizzy him. But hey, he's alive!)

4. Thor battles the flying monkeys

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

At some point Thor White and the Four Dwarfs come upon the Emerald City, which is guarded by the Wicked Witch of the West's flying monkeys (they are blue and have horns and flammable blood).

Thor's flat, sharpened Mjolnirs aren't really doing the trick, however, so MTYK sends a flaming arrow and ... KABLOOEY! The flammable flying monkeys are dead, but so is Thor White!

The Dwarfs hang their heads. "He gave his life for us!" one of them says.

But then there is a tug on one of the vines -- it's Thor White, climbing up the ravine! He's OK. 

Good luck storming the castle!

5. Dwarf 1 is 'Frozen'

Now Elsa is really mad, even though by now she's retrieved the One MirroRing of power, which her sister Furiosa has apparently hammered and flattened into a large bowl. 

During a fight of some kind, Elsa zaps one of the Dwarfs with her ice beam, freezing him solid, which would kill any living creature instantly. Dwarf 2 is sad that her boyfriend is gone until ...

6. Dwarf 2 is 'Frozen' too

Phooey! Elsa did it to Dwarf 2, too!

(Both Dwarf 1 and Dwarf 2 are broken out of their ice molds at the Happy Ending and are a little shivery, but otherwise fine. Elsa gave them ice-breathing holes! Maybe Elsa was more of a Darth Vader-type, who could be redeemed with her last dying act?)

7. Ravenna is not dead -- she is birds

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Ding-dong, the Witch is dead, probably for real this time right? 

But before the credits can roll, sing-song-rhymey Liam Neeson soundalike narrator (who got us up to speed in the opening credits, then took the rest of the movie off) returns to tell us that this is a fairy tale! And they do not simply end!

And then a golden bird -- a little chunk of Ravenna that flew away, formerly an elbow, or 1/2 of a calf perhaps -- is seen flittering over the castle.

Also, Elsa is dead, but she will probably be revived in Huntsman: Through the Jungle's Looking Glass Book or whatever.

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