How to throw your own painfully nerdy James Comey watch party
Forget the Super Bowl or The Bachelorette season finale: for many, Thursday's Senate hearing with former FBI Director James Comey is the must-watch television of the year.
To clarify, by "many," I mean a dozen or so dorks, half of whom work at this office. What's happening in Washington isn't so much "fun" as it as a devastating breakdown in the liberal democratic order.
That being said, who doesn't want to fantasize that James Comey will take down the American president in, oh, seven or eight hours?
Time to get our hopes up and party, y'all.
Across D.C., bars will be opening early so people can watch the hearing among fellow nerdy friends. If you're thinking of watching the Comey hearing, and can't make it to the capital or even leave your work desk, here's how you can throw your very own James Comey watch party, DIY style.
1. Drink before 10 a.m. Don't wait for Trump to tweet something frightening. Prepare yourself in advance.
2. If watching is too stressful, just turn your TV off and follow along on Twitter so smart people can watch it for you instead.
3. Have the Cute Emergency Twitter account open at all times in case of crisis.
4. Watch with a small group of friends. Do not invite anyone who identifies as "the devil's advocate" or routinely uses the phrase, "Well, actually."
5. Drink every time McCain calls something "Orwellian" or "incredibly dangerous" and then just kind of leaves us all feeling totally hopeless.
6. Drink every time someone on Facebook somehow manages to turn this entire spectacle into a Hillary v. Bernie thing and it just makes you want to die.
7. Down shots every time President Trump tweets that this hearing is "fake news" and everyone says that "this is a distraction!" and then they get distracted anyway.
8. Drink every time something looks like impeachment and feels like impeachment and should be impeachment, only to have someone share the same damn depressing Twitter thread about why President Trump will never be impeached.
8. Load up on starches because you're going to be doing a lot of drinking. Consider a side salad.
9. Have a stopwatch for when Comey delivers an inscrutable awkward silence like this one.
10. Turn the closed captioning on because these showboat senators are going to ramble on for so long, you'll need to find a way to pay attention.
11. Down a bottle of wine every time some Trump official announces that they're resigning mid-testimony.
12. Be prepared for Democrats to call this a "defeat for Trump!"
13. Be prepared for Republicans to call this a "victory for Trump!"
14. Go to bed as soon as all the evidence is out there, the testimony finishes, the whole spectacle ends, and nothing actually changes.
There's always tomorrow's leak.
Topics Politics
Heather was the Web Trends reporter at Mashable NYC. Prior to joining Mashable, Heather wrote regularly for UPROXX and GOOD Magazine, was published in The Daily Dot and VICE, and had her work featured in Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mic, and Gawker. She loves small terrible dogs and responsible driving. Follow her on Twitter @wear_a_helmet.
