The anxiety you feel about 'Jeopardy' buzzers is real because those things are evil

I'll take "Things we wish we could un-learn" for $300, Alex.

Because frankly, it was better not knowing why Jeopardy contestants appeared to ineffectually plunge their handheld buzzers, over and over, waiting for Alex Trebek to call a name seemingly at random, for all these livelong years.

It was a feeling we could relate to, like aggressively tapping the placebo "door close" button on an elevator. Or when we mash on our groggy remotes, or janky console controllers, or cracked smartphone screens and nothing happens ... and then after an eternal lag, it executes all of our inputs in a flurry of catastrophic compliance.

Those daily horrors shall remain one of life's confounding mysteries -- tech gremlins we've simply learned to live with, despite putting a man on the moon and all.

But those unresponsive Jeopardy plungers?

Their evil is by design.

A feature published Tuesday on the game show's official site jeopardy.com explains the diabolical design and disciplinarian intent of the brutalist buzzers in excruciating detail. In a nutshell:

1. They are activated by a staffer only after Trebek precisely enunciates his last syllable;

2. That moment is indicated by a set of lights that we, the television audience, cannot see, and;

3. Contestants who attempt to buzz before the lights are lit are locked out for a quarter of a second.

Egads Jeopardy! Are you a game show or a postapocalyptic reflex death match?

Apparently contestants used to be able to buzz in early, but these new rules were put in place to eliminate itchy trigger fingers running ahead of the brain.

All of the terrifying, anxiety-inducing details are over at jeopardy.com (a site too rich with fresh and compelling content to be just the official page of grandma's favorite half-hour of TV) and we can only suggest clicking over and reading if you are comfortable playing stuff like thumb-wrestling, whack-a-mole and "slap-jack."

Just be sure to phrase your curiosity in the form of a question you might wish you hadn't asked.