Okay forget the White Walker kidnapping plan, I've got plenty of other ideas. By Jon Snow

Hey all, sorry for the short notice but thanks for meeting back up. I wanted to let everyone know that after some feedback we are scrapping the Wight kidnapping plan we discussed the other day.

That plan, in which we decided to send an elite team of our most important leaders on a suicidal mission to capture one dead guy and bring him to King's Landing to show Cersei, is officially over.

It was stupid, almost unbelievably so, and I think we can all see that now. I am deeply, deeply humbled by the entire ordeal.

The good news is: I, Jon Snow, the King in the North, have thought of several other plans on my return journey and I am so happy to begin work on truly any of them.

Plan 1

Plan number one: We head way the hell up north, where the army is. We build a drill out of wood. We drill a big hole into the dirt. This is so exciting, I freaking can't wait to tell you guys about this. We cover up the hole with leaves and sticks. Do you see where I'm going? It's incredible, you're all gonna flip out. I sit on the other side of the hole. And then?

A bad guy FALLS into the hole and we keep him in there. Ha! What do we all think?

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Hm, yes okay. I am hearing you, Varys, and I agree: this plan has no clear goal and we do end up with nothing but a bad guy in a hole. The idea is gone; scrapped, and I am devastated. I feel like a fool, and I am embarrassed about how excited I was about it on the boat here. I would like to formally apologize to the council about it, and I would like that apology to take the form of a better plan that I will now immediately explain in detail.

Plan 2

I'm calling it: operation fake tunnel.

Everyone knows I love painting, right? Well, I do. I'm a freak for painting. And that is why I am going to head up to the wall and I'm going to paint a big tunnel leading to a beautiful meadow right on the side of the thing. The White Walker army will try to rush through the tunnel and, in their haste, not even realize it is merely a clever mural on the side of the wall made by yours truly. They will all boink their heads and pass out, AT WHICH POINT we will bring Cersei to the wall and show her all of them! Bingo bango, we're home free, baby!

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Tyrion, the look on your face immediately tells me that I have permanently wounded your impression of me and my intelligence. How could I be so foolish, to ever think that this plan was a good idea? The White Walkers know the wall is there, they will never fall for this. Cersei would NEVER come so far up north, and who knows how long the army would be passed out for, even if she did. I cannot believe I devised a plan as dumb as this. I may never get over the humiliation I feel right now, having paid a bard a hefty sum to write a song about the plan just before entering these chambers.

I promise, my next plan is realistic and has an almost 0% chance of failure.

Plan 3

We will disguise a bear to look like me and the bear will kill the Night King.

You heard me freaking right, folks. We will capture a bear, shave off much of its hair and dress it up to look like a certain brooding King in the North (me, ha ha!). When the bad guys come to meet the bear and discuss terms of our surrender, they will tap on the bear's shoulder thinking it is my shoulder. Some of you have probably caught on to what comes next. The bear will turn around, revealing itself to be a bear, and it will kill the Night King. We don't even need Cersei!

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Daenerys no! Please, please do not leave. I am a wreck of a man -- I am ruined. The King in the North, reduced to rubble. There is no getting over this shame, a shame so great, so profound and all-encompassing, that it may honestly kill me. The bear plan is one of the dumbest things I have ever said, and there is no way you could be more disgusted with me than I already am with myself. I am scared, quite frankly, that I did not see the stupidity of this plan earlier and was so confident in it that I purchased and shaved over a dozen bears already.

I beg of you, Khaleesi: let me win you back with one final plan.

Plan 4

We make big bomb that look like kickball.

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Set me on fire with your biggest dragon Khaleesi, for I have no reason to live anymore. I have disgraced and tainted the legacy of every great northerner for a thousand generations or more. This kickball thing is the most imbecilic, brainless idea ever conceived, and I will never forgive myself. Good God, they don't even know what a kickball is, I bet. What was I THINKING?

I must go now. I will return north, to do that first stupid plan that we thought of before. The one where we capture the Wight and wheel him down to Cersei in, I guess, a big box. It is equally as bad as all of these plans that I have explained to you today, but it is my only option left.

I am so deeply, overwhelmingly mortified of what I have done.

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