Today's the day to cuff your Trump-era boyfriend

If you don’t want to ride out the coming Trumpocalypse alone, now is the time to lock down your end-of-the-world companion.

For those who didn't vote for The Donald, his inauguration on Friday feels like the beginning of the end. Perhaps it’s best to look at the next four years as a sort of extended winter. (Let us pray it does not turn into a nuclear winter!)

While we’ll spend some days marching for our rights, much of the time we’ll no doubt be paralyzed by fear -- unable to leave the house, unable to watch the news. This is the time to hunker down with the ones we love and ride out this political storm.

If you already have a partner, now is the time to confirm that you are, indeed, in it through thick and thin. But what if you don’t yet have a person with whom to populate your bunker and binge-watch Netflix? Well, you’ve got to find one. Today.

Trump-cuffing season properly began the day after the election, so at this late date the pickings may be somewhat slim. Still, it’s worth getting out there and looking for someone -- anyone -- with whom you can share the misery of the coming years. Whether you’re Tindering, Matching or just plain walking into bars looking for love, try to be strategic about your most pressing needs.

Want to help prepping? Find yourself a survivalist or maybe mine FarmersOnly for a partner who can keep you rich in crops. Want to spend the Trump administration in blissful oblivion? Lock down a drug dealer. If you're afraid you’ll find yourself without insurance soon, get yourself a doctor or other healthcare professional. Whatever you do, just make sure your mate didn’t vote for Trump, since the last thing you need is more strife in your life.

Once you do find someone, make sure you've stockpiled plenty of comfort food and birth control. While the end-of-the-world urgency is sure to lend an extra thrill to your coupling, pace yourselves -- you've got to keep the fire burning for four long years.