A plague of locusts has descended upon our great country, so I've decided to retire

As one of the most powerful pest control experts in the world, I understand the unique danger that deadly plagues of locusts pose and take my responsibility seriously.

For close to a year now, a deadly swarm of locusts who threaten to end human life as we know it have hovered over our great nation. We have fooled ourselves into thinking that these locusts are benign, that they will one day "pivot" to civilized behavior.

Sadly, their mission has never been clearer: to destroy us all.

I tell you this as a prominent trained exterminator: this is one of the greatest internal threats our nation has ever faced. To fight it, I have humbly decided to retire from my position and go on vacation, probably to Cancún.

Our wondrous city on the hill has faced challenges like this before. In the 1950s, a plague of ugly birds descended upon our country and turned our crystalline cerulean skies brown. The country's most prominent pest control experts did little to stymie them, until one brave and lonely exterminator decided to shake his fist at the sky and scream: "Whatcha doing, birds?!"

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It was a moment for the history books, which coincidentally I am also prepared for. You can read all about in my book, "The Conscience of a Pest Control Expert," available now on Kindle and in paperback!

I am saddened to report that we have regressed to our ugly bird days and are now facing a crisis of similar proportions with potentially devastating consequences. Like many Americans, I long for the days when uncouth plagues of locusts were confined to the margins of our well-mannered skies.

I have fought these locusts the best way I know how: by working with them 90 percent of the time, far more than almost anyone else in my field. When I can, I directly battle the locusts by offering anonymous sassy quotes to MSNBC interns, no matter the cost to my career.

There are some that say that I should use the tank of poison I have on my back specifically designed to check the power of locust plagues and stop them from spreading. I am, they say, one of the few people actually capable of defeating this enemy because of the spectacular tools I possess. To them I say: that seems like a whole lot of work, and uh, maybe I'll do it if the other guys do?

There is simply no room for pest control experts like me in the field: polite men who love complex sentence structures and bugs that only stealthily buzz.

Enough. It is time for all of us to speak out as Americans by writing supremely eloquent columns for The Washington Post or simply sharing mine with our friends. Then, and only then, can our consciences be clear (not sure about the whole stopping the plague part).

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It is with a deeply heavy heart that I have decided to retire from my field, throw my poison tank to someone even more bonkers and go on vacation with my beautiful wife.

Know this, my fellow Americans: as the clouds darken and the savage locusts descend, blocking out the sun and making human life all but impossible except for the most privileged few, I will be thinking of you from my West Elm-appointed bunker.

I'm confident you'll now think of me too.