Let Colin Firth and Stellan Skarsgård kiss in 'Mamma Mia 2,' you cowards

If you're seeing Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again opening weekend, you know exactly what you're signing up for. Musical numbers we've already heard? Check. Cher playing Meryl Streep's mom? Check. Plot? Absolutely not! This is a guilt-free destination fantasy that defies all logic and exists purely to entertain.

Which is why it is truly tragic that Bill (Stellan Skarsgård) and Harry (Colin Firth) don't get together.

It now seems truly in vain for me to have shipped this so hard leading up to the film's release, but looking back, the signs were everywhere. In multiple trailers, we learn that Bill told Harry about Sophie's (Amanda Seyfried) pregnancy. They're best friends who tell each other everything!

The trailer shows them on the docks about to board a ferry to the island together. They share a little banter that I can't not read as flirty, and Bill implies that he's gotten to know Harry well in the years since their unusual meeting.

Then there was the most telling hint of all, this outrageous cast photo in which the actors gaze lovingly at each other:

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

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When Bill and Harry do show up in Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, it does initially seem like they traveled together. They miss the ferry, share a romantic meal on the dock, and finally finagle a way to reach the island in time for Sophie's big day.

The next part can only be described as shameless fan service, and that's a good thing. Bill and Harry arrive at the island after inviting dozens of local fishermen and their families along for the journey. They pull up in a veritable fleet of boats, and leading the pack is the biggest one with Bill and Harry going full Titanic at the tip of the bow.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Throughout the film, Firth and Skarsgård seem to be having the most fun. They appear to have improvised the entirety of "Dancing Queen" and it could literally not be any better – except if they kissed! All three of Sophie's dads mosey out from behind a bar at the end during "Super Trouper," and it is cinema at its finest. Now imagine if they'd kissed!

As my colleague pointed out, this movie was ostensibly only made to get Cher to sing "Fernando." You're telling me you made a Cher movie and decided these men getting together was too gay for it? Who does Universal think is seeing this movie?? WE ALL WANT THE SAME THING.

There are not one but two heterosexual romances shoehorned awkwardly into this movie, and I would trade both for the sweeping love story of these two old men. Harry is canonically queer in the musical, a fact at least hinted at in the first film.

Did I have an amazing time at Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again? Of course I did, I'm not made of stone. Did I applaud every time Cher did literally anything? You bet! But I also screamed any time Bill and Harry were on screen together and practically gave that "Super Trouper" dance a standing ovation. God bless this movie, and god bless the unfulfilled romance between these two fictitious dads.

Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again is now in theaters.