Heed lord Zuckerberg's rules of visitation, lest your tiny village face great peril
Hear ye! Hear ye! Be warned: Do not look upon his visage without proper leave, supplicant!
Ok, it's not that bad, but we've just learned that part of Mark Zuckerberg's tour of the unvarnished, down home parts of the American landscape includes a set of very cringey rules, and we must share.
The details of Zuckerberg's stealthy no-I'm-totally-not-electioneering activities were revealed in a Wall Street Journal story on Wednesday.
First off, if you happen to get word that Zuck is coming to town, you mustn't under any circumstances tell anyone that he's coming. Who knows what might happen? Some wild-eyed app developer might show up and try to pitch him. Hey, maybe it's just a security concern, but what this really sounds like is some rock star shit.
But worry not, Zuck, while you're famous in most big cities, it's doubtful the mere mention of your sudden appearance at the local bar in small town America would cause a stampede toward the local watering hole, interrupting your blue collar-powered sipping of locally brewed craft beer.
According to the report, if this sacred rule is broken, and his cover is blown, "The result: chaos."
Yeah…rock star shit.
Next, you're asked not to reveal anything about your meeting with Batma—I mean Zuckerberg. Specifically, the report claims that townsfolk are asked to avoid relaying verbatim quotes delivered by Zuck if asked by any parasite media reporter scum.
It's unclear what the penalty is for not obeying this oddly repressive and Fight Club-esque rule, but if you're a Facebook user, it might be best to err on the side not pissing off the gatekeeper.
Finally, the report also lists as a rule the fact that you might not even know Zuckerberg will be coming to your town. The faux folksy pop-ins aren't pre-announced. So if, for some reason, you're hoping the man with the robot voice does come to your town, you just have to hope. No one (who knows what's good for them) will tell you in advance.
Of course, while speaking to some locals, we learn that Zuckerberg isn't as universally famous as some might think. One musician -- who was booked to play for Zuckerberg in Clarksdale, Mississippi -- didn't know who had hired him. Upon seeing the usually hoodied-up master of the azure blue realm, the musician said, "You’ve got to be kidding me," adding, "I had no idea who he was."
Much normal, that.
New rule: when Zuck comes to town, just go ahead and pretend these rules matter. Go ahead and give him the head of state treatment his handlers are asking for. In the end, it might work out better for you when he stops screwing with us and finally announces his run for president of all the tiny hamlets on the planet.
Topics Facebook
