How to fake your way through the Oscars
It’s impossible to know everything about the Oscars -- but that shouldn’t stop you passing judgment.
Year after year, viewers everywhere are forced to sit in silence through ‘Animated Shorts’ or ‘Sound Mixing’ categories and pretend like they care. Many of them then resort to desperate measures -- checking Twitter on their phone, and in extreme cases, talking with their friends. But it shouldn’t be this way. We’re all entitled to our uninformed opinions -- it’s what this country was built on.
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Don’t know anything about the Oscars? You’re not alone. Here’s our guide for impressing your friends, and pretending like you really do.
1. Steal all the ‘New York Times’ Oscar predictions and claim them as your own.
Honestly, who’s going to fact check you? Nate Silver? Just copy paste what A.O. Scott said directly into your mouth. Everyone will be humbled by your plagiarized prognostications.
2. Tell people you’re boycotting the Oscars because of “something something” and therefore don’t need to voice your opinions
There are PLENTY of smart, wonderful reasons to boycott the Oscars this year. Pick one, and use it to shame your nicest friends.
3. Keep saying, “I like the movie, but I was really distracted by the terrible sound mixing.”
80% of the population doesn’t know what sound mixing is, and 99% couldn’t recognize good mixing if they heard it. Simply repeat the sentence above, and everyone will be threatened by your technological wisdom/lies.
4. Repeat the following: “I was really underwhelmed by [whoever wins Best Picture].
Dozens of critics and thousands of voters and millions of viewers loved and watched that movie -- but you? You know better than all of them.
5. Watch the trailer for ‘Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom,’ claim you've seen the movie, and then go, “Ugh, you haven’t watched this?” to everyone in the room.
Let’s not lie -- you haven’t seen this, and none of your dumb friends have either. Just memorize three fun facts from the Wiki page and use it to convince others of their profound intellectual inferiority.
6. No matter who wins, argue that someone else should have won.
‘The Big Short?’ won? You think ‘The Room’ was better. Sylvester Stallone was nominated? The critics were incorrect. “Blablabla” had the performance of a lifetime!
It really doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you convince everyone in the room that their opinions are meaningless/they should stop talking.
7. Ask everyone to stay silent during “Best live-action shorts” award so you can listen to the commentary
For most viewers, “best animated shorts” is keyword for “extended bathroom break” or “calling your mom.” Make it clear to others that this seemingly irrelevant category means something to you, a rising undiscovered film critic.
8. Repeat after me: “Indiewire panned it. Film comment panned it. Everyone at CineGoddard loved it.”
People read one of two types of reviews: from their idiot friend on Facebook, or some rando on Rotten Tomatoes. Mention these erudite blogs (I don’t even think CineGoddard exists) and shame all the people you love into silence.
9. Do not place your bets on Leo.
He’s a nice man, but not a winner. Never a winner, some might say.
10. Just read all the movies' Wiki pages. Not even the full page. Opening three sentences, max.
Why watch when you can read what a bunch of anonymous strangers on the Internet have to say?
11. Just say, "Where's Star Wars?" over and over again.
Sadly, this is foolproof.
12. Repeat that crazy Oscars conspiracy theory that dork from high school keeps posting on Facebook
It's completely irrational, but also profoundly verbose. People will stop listening around an estimated three minutes.
13. I dunno, watch the movies or something?
An ancient method, but tried and true. Only do this under extreme circumstances.
Topics Oscars
Heather was the Web Trends reporter at Mashable NYC. Prior to joining Mashable, Heather wrote regularly for UPROXX and GOOD Magazine, was published in The Daily Dot and VICE, and had her work featured in Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mic, and Gawker. She loves small terrible dogs and responsible driving. Follow her on Twitter @wear_a_helmet.
