With great regret I, Laffy the children's party clown, must pull out of my inauguration performance

To my most loyal fans, their parents, older siblings and the various friends and family members also on my email list:

It is with great sadness that I, Laffy the ventriloquist party clown, must pull out of my performance at the the inauguration of Donald Trump.

As a children's party clown of the highest order, I viewed the president-elect's offer to headline the event as a chance to perform an act of patriotism. I thought my more than 15 unique balloon animal designs and shoes that are absurdly large -- much too large for my feet -- would help bridge the divide in this country, but now I see I was mistaken.

My decision to perform several ribbon-themed magic tricks and a brief apolitical skit with my ventriloquist dummy Bernard the cordial bear on the steps of the Capitol Building was not, in my opinion, an expression of support for Donald Trump. It was merely a chance for me to bring my act, which so delights young children in the Connecticut suburb where I reside, to a larger audience. For America.

Also, the largest gig I'd booked before the inauguration was AJ Pierson's 6th birthday and at that I was competing with cheese pizza and a rumor that Tommy Govecki peed in his pants, so I was hungry to test myself.

I apologize to my fans who I disappointed and to the president-elect's adult son Eric, whose request to "get [his] face painted like a lion but not a scary one" I had promised to fulfill.

Though a smile is painted onto my face, my heart is heavy for those who were hurt by my decision.

For those interested in booking me on inauguration day, I have unfortunately already agreed to open Samantha Hilcrest's Moana-themed 3rd birthday party with my kazoo cover of "How Far I'll Go."

As for the inauguration, I wish nothing but luck to my replacement act: the Wheel of Fortune guy reading the lyrics to "God Bless the USA" for 30 minutes.

Best,

Laffy.