Living like the Queen for a day is harder than it looks
LONDON -- I bloody love the Queen. It's fair to say that I'm up there with some of her biggest fans; and I've got the mugs, tea towels and special edition plates to prove it.
Since childhood, I've considered myself something of an honorary royal. So, when my colleagues suggested I follow the daily routine of the nation's favourite great-grandmother, I couldn't wait to get started.
Only problem is, I don't have at £277 million fortune at my fingertips. I was going to have to up-cycle my life to make it fit for a Queen.
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7:30 a.m. -- Time to wake up
The Queen starts her day at 7:30 a.m. with a pot of Earl Grey tea served with milk and no sugar. True to Royal form, it's served in a bone china cup alongside some biscuits. Apparently, Her Majesty is partial to a rich tea biscuit, which are kinda gross in my humble opinion, but hey, I'll do anything for my Queen.
While the Queen is taking tea, she listens to BBC Radio 4's Today programme on her vintage Roberts radio. According to Brian Hoey, author of At Home With The Queen, the Queen takes particular enjoyment hearing British politicians getting a tough time from the presenters. I borrowed my housemate's Roberts radio and tuned in as I sipped my tea.
Oh, and just to make myself feel a bit more regal, I put on the nearest crown-like thing I could find: a flower crown.
8:30 a.m. -- Getting dressed
I became aware that the morning was rapidly marching on. I needed to get dressed. I scoured my wardrobe for most regal outfit I could find. And, let me tell you, it was a challenge. I settled on a knee-length dress paired up with a pale pink day coat. The Queen wears black shoes only so, in the absence of any other suitable black shoes, I donned my black Chelsea boots.
Every morning Her Royal Highness has her hair arranged by a hairdresser. As the temporary Queen, I wasn't allowed to brush my own hair. So, I walked around the corner to the Hairy Monkey barber shop and told them: "I'm the Queen, and by Royal decree you are ordered to brush my hair". They obeyed, and did a stellar job of brushing my Royal tresses.
9 a.m. -- Breakfast time
The Queen usually eats breakfast alone in her own private dining room. Just like HRH, I ate toast and marmalade and pored over the Queen's favourite daily newspapers -- The Daily Telegraph and the Racing Post.
Unlike the Queen, I did not have a tail-coated footman to serve me my royal feast, so -- reluctantly -- I had to make it myself. This resulted in me burning the toast. It did not taste good. Honestly, you just can't get the staff!
Nonetheless, I enjoyed my breakfast immensely. There's a lot to be said for taking a leisurely breakfast. I might do it more often.
9:30 a.m. -- Listening to the bagpipes
The Queen starts every weekday by listening to bagpipes played by Her Majesty's kilted piper.
I checked in with HQ, seemingly Mashable doesn't have a quilted piper on retainer. So, I had to fire up YouTube to get my bracing bagpipes fix.
10 a.m. -- Time for work
The Queen has a job to do, so I needed to get my act together and make my way into the office.
The Queen usually works from the comfort of the royal desk at Buckingham Palace, but Mashable doesn't yet have a work-from-palace policy, so I braced myself and got on the Tube. My day had -- until this point -- been very pleasant indeed.
But, bizarrely, the people I encountered on the Tube didn't seem to notice they were in the presence of royalty. I was jostled and walked into without the faintest whiff of an apology.
Once I was on the Tube, I knew I couldn't possibly let my regal clothing touch the fabric on the seats. Who knows where it's been? And, where's a horse-drawn barouche when you need one? I placed a paper napkin down and sat on my royal derrière for a moment.
10:30 a.m. --- A Royal visitor at Mashable UK
I sent out a royal memorandum the day prior to my visit to ensure that all my royal subjects knew how to behave around their Queen. I was pleased to see that they'd heeded these instructions.
11 a.m. -- An audience with the Queen's Private Secretary
The Queen gets hundreds of letters from the public each day, which are given to her by her private secretaries. I appointed Sam Haysom my very own private secretary, and -- in the absence of any correspondence from the general public -- I asked him to respond to text messages on my behalf.
Sam rose to the challenge, taking his role very seriously. He also reminded all my friends via text message that they needed to mind their manners when corresponding with the Queen.
12 p.m. -- Time to walk the corgi
I knew that if I was really gonna be Queen for a day, I needed to get hold of a corgi somehow. We got in touch with Insta-famous pooch Marcel le Corgi, who was delighted to be bestowed the honour of being the Queen's four-legged friend for the day.
Alas, Marcel's crown kept falling off because he just would not keep still. But, that didn't stop us having a lovely walk together in Golden Square in Soho.
1 p.m. -- Time for lunch
The Queen usually eats lunch alone at Buckingham Palace, and so I decided to go eat my repast in the boardroom, because I'm a VIP now.
According to Darren McGrady, the Queen's former royal chef, she typically has fish on a bed of spinach or courgettes for lunch. She's also fond of having a tipple before lunch, usually a gin and Dubonnet. I couldn't get hold of a bottle of Dubonnet for love nor money, so I settled for a can of pre-mixed gin and tonic.
I decided to have a prawn cocktail as a starter because prawn cocktails are classy as hell. By the time I got to my Marks & Spencer Lochmuir salmon on a bed of spinach I was feeling pretty replete.
2 p.m. -- Back to work
Being a Queen is pretty tiring, but the kingdom -- or should I say queendom -- waits for no one.
I had royal duties to attend to, and it was high time I got on with them.
By this point, the novelty had begun to wear off in the office. The editorial team's behaviour -- once respectful and deferential -- was now insolent and even -- dare I say -- anti-royal. If Mashable's realtime news reporter Gianluca wasn't turning his back to me -- an absolute no-no according to Royal etiquette -- our editorial intern Davina was texting me poop emojis. I ask of thee Mashable UK colleagues: is this how you treat your Queen?
5 p.m. -- High tea
By the time 5 p.m. rolled around, I hadn't quite developed an appetite just yet. My very substantial lunch had been quite sufficient, so I had to do some serious self-coaxing for this next bit.
My efforts at a DIY high tea were pretty pathetic. The Queen usually has her favourite -- Dundee cake. But, when I went to my local Tesco, I couldn't find Dundee cake anywhere. Then again, I don't even know what Dundee cake is, but I imagined it was some kind of fruit cake. I bought Genoa cake as an alternative, along with fruit scones, but I forgot to buy clotted cream and jam. All in all, Her Majesty would not have been amused.
7 p.m. -- Dinner
When the Queen doesn't have plans of an evening, she'll sit down to a meal of roast beef, lamb, mutton or game. She usually kicks things off with a Martini aperitif. While roast beef and all the trimmings is one of my favourite things to eat, the prospect of eating a fifth meal was extremely nauseating. Fortunately, I had plenty of room for a Martini. As an alternative to a roast beef dinner, I ate a packet of roast beef flavoured Monster Munch; arguably the greatest crisps of all time.
7:30 p.m. -- Corrie and a crossword
While eating my "dinner," I sat down to watch Coronation Street, which the Queen is said to be a fan of. Not gonna lie, I've watched the odd episode of this show and it's not my thing at all. How can one street have so much drama to contend with? Thankfully, I had another of Her Majesty's pastimes to occupy myself with: a crossword.
Once Corrie was over, I was feeling exhausted. But, by the Queen's standards, this was a fairly quiet day. I can't even begin to imagine how tired our 90-year-old monarch must feel like when she's been out at public engagements.
I watched a few episodes of Inspector Morse -- also a favourite of the Queen -- before taking myself off to bed.
10 p.m. -- Bedtime
Before resting her weary head, the Queen writes a page in her diary, which she's kept since the start of her reign. As I wrote in my diary, I thought about just how hard it must be to be a Queen.
Sure, it's classy as hell and you get to eat loads of food, but it is also an isolating experience. I took for granted the freedom I had before my day-long reign. People had no qualms about how to address me or what to say. Plus, when you're a Queen, your time isn't your own. There's Royal duties to attend to, and public engagements to go to. What if I want to spend a whole day binge watching Kimmy Schmidt and eating cheese puffs in my pjs? And can I still eat a bacon double cheeseburger for dinner every once in a while?
I might not be a Queen (yet), but I most certainly am a Kween. And, that's all that matters.
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Rachel Thompson is the Features Editor at Mashable. Rachel's second non-fiction book The Love Fix: Reclaiming Intimacy in a Disconnected World is out now, published by Penguin Random House in Jan. 2025. The Love Fix explores why dating feels so hard right now, why we experience difficult emotions in the realm of love, and how we can change our dating culture for the better.
A leading sex and dating writer in the UK, Rachel has written for GQ, The Guardian, The Sunday Times Style, The Telegraph, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Stylist, ELLE, The i Paper, Refinery29, and many more.
Rachel's first book Rough: How Violence Has Found Its Way Into the Bedroom And What We Can Do About It, a non-fiction investigation into sexual violence was published by Penguin Random House in 2021.
