An obituary for the loser of the 'Game of Thrones' bastard bowl
This post contains spoilers up to and including Season 6, episode nine of Game of Thrones. Be careful.
BOLTON, Ramsay:
A highborn bastard, Lord of Winterfell, proud hunter of people and skilled torturer, died on Sunday in Winterfell, killed after the Battle of the Bastards via a hound bite to the face.
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To be honest, we're all super freaking psyched about it.
Bolton, formerly Snow, was born somewhere between 14 and 29 years ago -- you never know with these characters. He was a psychopath right from the beginning, and he stayed a psychopath throughout his life.
The privileged highborn bastard of Roose Bolton, Ramsay took to his father's murderous ways, taking pleasure in killing those loyal or disloyal to him -- it really didn't seem to make a difference. The only person Bolton seemed to hold any affection for was Myranda, another broken sociopath who shared his love of way-too-violent sex. God, what a huge piece of shit Ramsay was! Good riddance.
Survived by his dogs because he murdered everyone else, Bolton's estate will be returned to the Stark family.
. Bolton's legacy will not vanish entirely, however. The name Ramsay will, we hope, come to mean "Bad" and "The worst" and "Something that should be dead immediately."His belongings will hopefully be set aflame, and the ashes poured unceremoniously into the area where all the animals of Winterfell take dumps.
Those who knew him well said Bolton was, "Honestly the worst living being of all time," and "An awful, terrible person who never should have lived," and "A pug-like, twisted monster boy who had so many fetishes that it truly became comical at some point."
In recent years, Bolton took to mentally destroying Theon "Reek" Greyjoy -- an idiot who messed up everything for everyone. The Reek project started off in a way that felt like justice, but quickly turned into a nasty horrible thing that nobody wanted.
Once, Ramsay pretended to eat Theon's recently severed penis, but really it was a sausage. This is the legacy of Ramsay Bolton's sense of humor.
A murderer, torturer, rapist, baby-killer, patricidal animal-man, Bolton will be dearly missed by no one.
In lieu of flowers, send envelopes filled with shit to the Dreadfort.
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BONUS: Goodnight, Westeros
Topics Game Of Thrones
Max Knoblauch is the Assistant Humor Editor in the NYC office. He is a journalist, comedian and illustrator. More humor and art by Max can be found on his website.Follow him @MaxKnoblauch
