Happy Birthday, Roald Dahl: Here's what your characters would look like as real people
Roald Dahl was born 100 years ago today, and human beans everywhere are celebrating with scrumdiddlyumptious treats and splendiferous parties.
Even though Dahl passed away over 25 years ago, his stories and characters feel as relevant as ever. Dahl will never produce another book or send off a controversial tweet -- but we can imagine what his characters would look like if they were living, breathing people.
Nearly everyone knows a Matilda in their class. We have all beamed over a Grandpa Joe and s**t-talked a Veruca Salt.
#WeAreAugustusGloop.
Here is a list of some our of favorite Roald Dahl characters, reimagined as actual human adults, living today.
1. Grandpa Joe/Bernie Sanders
Bernie Sanders is everyone's (well, 43 percent of pledged Democratic delegates') favorite Grandpa. And Grandpa Joe couldn't be more like Sanders himself: generous, cantankerous, hunched, and in desperate need of a comb.
2. Willy Wonka/Lin-Manuel Miranda
Both Miranda and Wonka are endlessly imaginative, disgustingly popular leaders of creative empires. Everyone calls them geniuses because they -- sigh-- actually are, and lines couldn't be longer for a ticket to their secret factory/matinee show.
3. BFG/The Rock
They're big (really, really big) and way nicer than you. Sure, they may look like terrifying cannibalistic monsters from the outside, but all they want to do is help sad kids and sweet moms.
4. Oompa Loompa/Donald Trump
Small, orange men who built an empire, and who remain enormously culturally powerful -- for reasons no one can quite understand.
5. Matilda/Simone Biles
Okay, Simone Biles is Olympic gold medalist, and Matilda tortures grown adults with her mind. But they're both obscenely smart, fiercely independent young women with seemingly magical qualities. Everyone has fallen in love with them, because everyone should.
6. Grand High Witch/Ann Coulter
Tall, thin, and passionately dedicated to turning small boys into mice. They're priestesses of destruction, but also devilishly funny in ways that are sometimes painful to admit.
7. James (of the Giant Peach)/Ahmed Mohamed
James escaped Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker, and moved to New York in a giant peach to end up in a really nice condo. Mohamed left a small town that thought he was a terrorist to attend a renowned school in Qatar, free of charge.
8. Boggis the Farmer from Fantastic Mr. Fox/Roger Ailes
Powerful gluttons who once owned sizable empires (that supported a lot of turkeys).
9. Fantastic Mr. Fox/Bill Clinton
Endlessly clever and shrewd, both Clinton and Mr. Fox get themselves out of every possible imaginable scrape -- sexy and unharmed.
10. J.K. Rowling/Miss Honey
Two women who came from nothing and rose to success; infinitely kind adult humans who really understand children, and who we both desperately want to become our moms.
Happy Birthday, Roald Dahl.
BONUS: Corgi tea party
Heather was the Web Trends reporter at Mashable NYC. Prior to joining Mashable, Heather wrote regularly for UPROXX and GOOD Magazine, was published in The Daily Dot and VICE, and had her work featured in Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mic, and Gawker. She loves small terrible dogs and responsible driving. Follow her on Twitter @wear_a_helmet.
