Santa Claus is dead as hell

Here are two important pieces of news. Santa Claus is real; however, Santa Claus is also dead.

Archaeologists may have come upon the tomb of Saint Nicholas underneath a church in the province of Antalya, Turkey, recently. Per The Guardian, the previous prevailing theory was that Santa's body had been smuggled to Bari, Italy, so this was a real jingle-bell bombshell.

This Tweet is currently unavailable. It might be loading or has been removed.

Now, excavation work will begin to access the area underneath the church. Then, scientists can determine if jolly ol' Saint Nick lies there after all. Apparently, this will be no easy feat--there are mosaics on the church floor--but, if Santa's dead body is down there, it could be a huge boost to tourism.

So if Santa's dead, who's been running the elves' payroll up at the North Pole? The answer, of course, is the comedian Will Ferrell, star of the hit movie Elf. You can absolutely quote us on this.