Sean Spicer is checking staff phones because his office leaks like a sieve

Imagine if Noah had built his arc without checking for termites. All that wood, freshly cut and slotted into place for this big beautiful boat, suddenly full of holes and soaked to the core.

Now imagine this boat is the White House press office. Just a ship full of leaks in the middle of a monsoon, trying to survive with duct tape and beat-up plastic buckets.

News reports make it seem like we know everything that happens in the White House. Press Secretary Sean Spicer says something behind closed doors, and an article appears on the internet maybe an hour or a day later. Last week, according to multiple reports, he gathered his staff and told them to pile their phones on a table so others could comb through them in an attempt to figure out who was leaking to the press. He drilled in the importance of not leaking this meeting to any outlet, and of course we knows this because it leaked immediately. It's like watching a man new to arcades slowly become overwhelmed by whack-a-mole.

According to the leaks, Spicer and his people were snooping for apps like Confide, an encrypted texting app that erases messages from your screen as soon as you read them and is reportedly used by White House staff (though the app isn't quite as secure as its creators would like you to believe).

Maybe Spicer will figure out how to plug his office's holes, but the Vegas odds don't look too good. This dude didn't even bother to wipe his phone number and address from his WHOIS data before he became press secretary, and we're pretty sure he's tweeted some kind of password before, maybe more than once.

But he reportedly has the approval of his boss, so the leak hunt seems likely to continue apace.