Apple wants to hire Siri a personal assistant to keep up with the cool kids

Are you tired of that awkward moment when you ask Siri to check if it's National Awkward Moments Day and your iPhone leaves you in a lurch?

Apple's AI assistant is tasked with answering your questions and keeping track of your busy schedule, but Siri can't always keep up with all the events jamming the packed-out pop culture calendar. The blind spot for fabricated social media events, aka hashtag holidays, is apparently so glaring that Apple is searching for a real person to add some expertise to the AI.

The iPhone maker recently listed a new job posting, spotted by 9to5Mac, for a "Siri Event Maven." The ad's thirst is palpable, incorporating some cringeworthy recruiter-speak to describe a position that will essentially serve as an assistant for Apple's own AI assistant to keep it up to speed on what the cool kids are buzzing about.

Apple sets the bar high from the outset. Hopefuls shouldn't even bother with the idea of applying unless they've reached the lofty title of "a Czar of cool" — so if you're just a lowly Baron of swag, forget about it. That's essential to the role, completely "Non-negotiable. :-)."

If you were born into the proper 19th-century Russian imperial family for the role, you'll be expected to work with Siri's Engineering and Design teams to "provide strategic awareness of cultural happenings in the collective zeitgeist" by keeping tabs on social media and the greater internet echo chamber.

The ad specifically mentions Star Wars Day, Pi Day, and Talk Like a Pirate Day, which aren't exactly big surprises for anyone who's been on social media over the past decade.

The posting comes at a time when Apple is looking to make Siri even more functional for users, both on iPhones and with the upcoming HomePod speaker. Siri is the OG on the market, but Apple's AI assistant faces stiff competition from Amazon's Alexa and Google Assistant, both in phones and in the Echo and Home smart speakers that have a sizable head start on Apple.

This job listing is an odd footnote to those efforts. Apple's looking for someone like this with the listing:

Via Giphy

Unfortunately, the vibe it's giving off is more along these lines:

Via Giphy

Best of luck to Apple to fill the spot, and to the future Siri Event Maven in their future endeavor of tracking every single made-up holiday in the book.