This is crazy but our snowman came to life and it has a great plan to unify the Democratic Party
Mom, dad, extended family and friends: This is going to sound crazy, but the snowman that me and the other kids have been building out in the front yard all day is alive.
Also, we think he's going to save the Democratic Party.
Okay, here's what happened. Me and the other kids built this snowman. Right as we're about to call it quits, we find this old silk hat, right? So we place it on his head, and -- this is nuts, but I am being deadly serious with you right now -- he began to dance around.
He stops dancing, he turns to us and with a completely straight face he says, "I am here to unify the Democratic Party."
Then he stops dancing, he turns to us and with a completely straight face he says, "I am here to unify the Democratic Party."
So we were all like, wait, what?
Then we listened to what he had to say.
Chuckle all you want, that's fine with me. I know it sounds impossible -- progressives and centrists are at a seemingly insurmountable impasse and to think that one single person could unite the party is a fantasy! Also, snowmen are made of snow and don't come to life! But I'm telling you: The talking snowman out in our front yard is proving that both of those statements are untrue.
There is a lot to love about this snowman. He has a universal message about class, race and inequality. He has a strong progressive vision for tax and campaign finance reform. He's serious about helping the middle class. Also, he knows at least a hundred different songs about snow and they're all catchy as hell.
I'm telling you, this guy is amazing.
You don't believe me, I can tell, but he's out front right now, talking to some representatives from the local unions and they're all really liking what he has to say. They're also super impressed by how many snowballs he can throw in a minute -- easily 300.
He's out front right now, talking with representatives from the local unions and they're all really liking what he has to say.
Look, obviously we were all shocked that a pile of snow roughly shaped like a man came to life after we put an old silk hat on him. I mean, we screamed for about five minutes at first just because we made a live snowman. But then that snowman started making salient points about the need for a $15 minimum wage in a classic AABB rhyme scheme and we really started to galvanize, politically.
You don't have to take my eight-year-old word for it, either. After he told us about his student loan refinancing plan, we put him on a conference call with Elizabeth Warren and Keith Ellison and those three hit it off like you wouldn't believe.
Okay, believe it or not, I don't care. But we all know the Democratic Party eventually needs to stop debating where we went wrong and start building toward the future. Also, we gotta figure out how to make snow not melt.
See you guys in 2018.
Max Knoblauch is the Assistant Humor Editor in the NYC office. He is a journalist, comedian and illustrator. More humor and art by Max can be found on his website.Follow him @MaxKnoblauch
