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Spiders could eat all humans in one year, and this petition wants to make it happen

"Spider/Spider 2020! In our hearts, we know the time has come!"

Laura Vitto

on March 28, 2017

Spiders could eat all humans in one year, and this petition wants to make it happen

Your potential future lunch companion. Credit: Shutterstock / RealNoi

The Washington Post either ruined or made your day on Tuesday when it published a bit of an analysis that suggests spiders could eat every human on Earth in one year if they really wanted to.

Now musician John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats is petitioning Senator Al Franken to help make that happen.

It reads:

"While we, the undersigned, are certain the spiders are doing the best they can, it's clear that they could use some help. We call on the United States government to utilize whatever resources it deems necessary and effective to help the spiders in their noble cause. We're sending our petition to Sen. Al Franken because he's one of the few people in Washington who we sort of half-trust to not initiate surveillance on us or flag our tax returns for signing such a petition."

The WaPo piece that kicked off Darnielle's bid for swift human extinction bases its analysis on a study published this month on the global spider population's eating habits.

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Researchers Martin Nyffeler and Klaus Birkhofer found that spiders the world over consume, in total, between 400 and 800-million tons of prey per year. It's a set of numbers large enough to trigger a fear-induced blackout for anyone with arachnophobia.

After a bit of numbers crunching, WaPo guesses that the world's spiders could end us all in a year, if they really felt the need. So far, they've taken mercy on us.