'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows' has absolutely zero chill

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is an insane fever dream of explosions, talking turtles and WTF plotlines. 

And if it wasn't rated PG-13, kids would totally love it. 

For the lax parents out there, most of the movie is probably fine for older children who can handle heavy action -- but only if you want to hear them repeat phrases like "son of a bitch" that are casually thrown around. 

Plus, Megan Fox is outfitted in a scandalous schoolgirl costume halfway through her first scene. You know, for sleuth work. 

The freewheeling sequel, directed by David Green and produced by Michael Bay, is thankfully more fun than its terrible predecessor, directed by Jonathan Liebesman. The turtles have even more charm; Donatello is nerdier, Leonardo is angstier, Raphael is Vin Diesel-ier and Michelangelo is the hilarious glue holding it all together. 

Any time the film strays away from these four, it falters. 

The plot picks up from the last movie -- Shredder is being moved to a high security prison and the Foot Clan aims to rescue him with the help of nerdy evil scientist Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry). 

April O'Neill (Fox) and the turtles oppose them, joined by newly spurned cop (who's gonna be a detective someday!) and hockey lover Casey Jones (Stephen Amell). 

Oh, and there's also another crazy plot featuring unsightly supervillain Krang (best described by Michelangelo as chewed up gum with a face), who wants to destroy the Earth. As villains are wont to do.

The film still carries some of the major hindrances of the first -- corny dialogue and an absurd level of repetitive exposition that might be forgivable if this was a G-rated movie for children. But it's not, and the hilarious disregard for any kind of subtlety will have you rolling your eyes back to the '90s.

"The hilarious disregard for any kind of subtlety will have you rolling your eyes back to the '90s."

This movie is about as nuanced and subtle as Gordon Ramsay telling Hell's Kitchen chefs what he thinks about their food. It's about as subtle as Beyoncé telling Jay Z she wants to play him a little something, except that something is Lemonade and suddenly she's in a fur coat and cornrows. 

Dialogue aside, Fox's acting is another disappointment, turning in a blank performance despite all the high flying action around her.

The turtles are really the best performers, save for goofball henchmen Bebop (Gary Anthony Williams) and Rocksteady (Stephen Farrelly, better known as WWE wrestler Sheamus). They're a delightfully dumb duo and original TMNT fans will be happy to see them in action.

Will Arnett is also in fun form, back again to play the narcissistic Vernon Fenwick, while Laura Linney jumps in to play sarcastic Chief Vincent. 

Though TMNT 2 has major problems, it earnestly tries to win you back by the third act with Bay-level action sequences and genuine humor, largely provided by Michelangelo, the film's comedic and tender heart.

If you're disheartened by the other drawbacks -- of which there are many -- there are at least four arguable reasons to see it. You already know their names. 

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