Shocking survey proves that teens really want iPhones

Teens. They know what's up.

In this case, what's up just so happens to be the percentage of U.S. teenagers planning to own an iPhone in the very near future.

So finds a shocking report from investment bank Piper Jaffray, which notes that the Apple smartphone trounces competitors when it comes to being the object of teen desire.

"81% of teens expect their next phone to be an iPhone," reads the report, "which was up from 79% in fall 2016 and, more importantly, the highest we’ve seen ever in the survey."

Piper Jaffray surveyed approximately 5,500 teenagers with an average age of 16 on matters concerning various brands and consumption habits. These obliging respondents let the professionals at Piper Jaffray in on a big secret: teens think iPhones are dope.

Now, it should be noted that those teens only expect that their next phone will be an iPhone — suggesting some will soon learn a valuable life lesson in a little subject called disappointment.

MacRumors picked up the report and helpfully highlighted the fact that, for many of them, the teens' relationship to Apple is more than aspirational. It turns out that 76 percent of those surveyed already own an iPhone.

That's right, over three-fourths of teenagers already have iPhones. Chew on that the next time your dream of upgrading your Nokia 3310 is squashed by pesky things like making rent. You know, adult stuff.

But is there anything more to be learned about Generation Z from this survey, other than the fact that Samsung has some serious brand ambassador work to do? Piper Jaffray, as investment banks are wont to do, took the results and dove deep into the elusive teen psyche.

"We view the survey as a positive data point on iPhone 7 demand and excitement around the upcoming launch of the 10th anniversary iPhone (iPhone X)," explained Piper Jaffray.

And how did the teens themselves react to these findings? We imagine they ignored the results and continued trying to ruin 2017.