Tesla's leaked employee handbook is exactly as ridiculous as Elon Musk's Twitter

An alleged copy of Tesla's self-titled "Anti-Handbook Handbook" for new employees leaked and, like Elon Musk himself, it's absolutely desperate to sound cooler than it actually is.

Reading like the worst – or best? – of Musk's Twitter feed, the four-page document (published by Business Insider on Thursday) is ostensibly standard workplace culture policies, only those policies are described in overly familiar, self-aggrandizing, and unnecessarily aggro tones.

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"We're Tesla. We're changing the world. We're willing to rethink everything," it starts. "We're different and we like it that way. Being different allows us to do what no one else is doing; to do what others tell us is impossible."

Mashable reached out to Tesla for comment on Sunday, but the company didn't respond in time for publication.

Tesla's high expectation that employees actively invest in every aspect of the company's success is the handbook's main running theme. Some laudable yet (again) still less-than radical open-door policies include encouraging employees to ask questions, voice concerns, or pitch ideas even if it's outside their department. You can even email Elon himself!

But it's the unprompted combativeness that smacks most of the trademark Elon Muskiness that people seem to either love or love to hate.

"We want to surround ourselves with people driven to do the right things and act with integrity even when no one is looking," it states, followed by the warning that, “If this isn’t you, you’ll be more successful somewhere else. We don’t mean to sound harsh; it’s just the truth.”

This isn't your dad's corporate handbook, Tesla's Anti-Handbook Handbook insists. This handbook smokes pot on the Joe Rogan Podcast. Deal with it! And don't harsh its vibe!

"If you're looking for a traditional employee handbook filled with policies and rules, you won't find one," it cautions, before proceeding to list a bunch of traditional policies and rules.

It covers topics like trust ("we won't change our approach because of the few who let us down. Instead, we let them go,") tardiness ("this isn't school,") attendance ("if you can't be reliable... you'll be asked to leave [and it might not be a choice,]") vacation and sick days ("don't get the rest of us sick"), and no-shows ("if you don't call and don't show up for work, you're a jerk.")

Sections titled "Stupid Stuff" and "Fun," are what truly solidify the Tesla Anti-Handbook Handbook as the corporate equivalent of that high school teacher who rolls up his sleeves to address the class while sitting backward in a chair.

"We can’t afford to waste time dealing with stupid stuff when we have so many important things to get done," the Stupid Stuff section states sternly. The Fun section tries to play good cop, but still somehow makes telling employees to "make sure you’re having fun at work" sound like a vague threat. Because, "if you aren’t having fun at some level, you’ll be unhappy. We don’t want that."

The anti-handbook is light on, if not completely bereft of, mentions of major workplace concerns like sexual harassment, racism, diversity, or inclusivity. Presumably, that's what the section at the very bottom directing new employees to Human Resources is for.

Oh Elon! Never change! We're sure that's even a policy in your own personal anti-handbook for how to Musk.