It's 2016: Time for cargo shorts to give up and die

The American cargo short is in crisis -- and relief doesn't seem to be coming anytime soon.

If you've been paying attention to the news this week, you might have noticed a few clickbait stories about a little presidential election and some YMCA summer camp games taking place in Brazil. But beneath all the listicles and the GIFs, a violent skirmish is taking root about one of the greatest social justice issues of our time: the demise of the American cargo short. The nation stands on the precipice of civil war: some want to make cargo shorts "great again," while others can't remember when cargo shorts ever were good. And though it can be frightening to take a stand on such a polarizing issue, I feel compelled, dear reader, to make my lonely little voice heard amidst all the screams.

The cargo short is sick. The cargo short is violent. The cargo short must die, and it must die today (if not today, tomorrow's totally cool too).

As a New Yorker, I know I'm not alone in being biased against cargo shorts and the people who wear them. In the city, cargo shorts are unconsciously banned -- and those who do wear them are immediately labeled other/outsider/Midwestern tourist. Only someone who came from Oklahoma, the land of diner booths and wide open parking spaces, could feel so entitled to wear something so loose, so basic, so . . . comfortable.

It can be easy, delightful even, to build a profile of the cargo-shorts wearer: the man who chooses Journey on the jukebox, steak tips on the Chili menu, 'Blue Man Group' on the TKTS line. He loves Sirius comedy and hates politicians. Is a big fan of Windows 8. Athletic socks? You bet he's got 'em. Every size and every color of the beautiful white rainbow.

He's basic without boundaries, without shame, without spite.

And of course, it's unfair to judge people solely on the basis of their terrible, terrible shorts. Blame the short, not the shorts-wearer. See the person beyond the wrench-ready pockets. Perhaps people like me are just jealous of the Cargo Man: entitled to wear something so openly basic, he possesses a liberty that I and other small-pocket folks can only dream of. The right to store fat wallets. The ability to hide his keys. The freedom to take a dump in his pants -- and have absolutely no one notice.

What a life.

But just because it's wrong and definitely elitist to criticize the cargo shorts wearer doesn't mean we can't hold cargo shorts accountable for the devastating impact they've had on American life and our cultural imagination. The cargo short, by the very laxness of its construction, lowers our sartorial and behavioral standards while giving us nothing in return.

The sag built by choice into the seat of the pant screams: "It doesn't matter," "Why bother?" "Can we just have sex in the morning?"

Excessive pockets are made for excessive consumption. The more you can purchase, the more you can pocket, the greater your material and spiritual worth. You aren't what you eat or what you sow but what you can store near your balls.

Let's not forget where most cargo shorts cut off -- right at the knee. Cargo shorts are a part of a long tradition of clothes that shame the inner thigh. In most modern short and skortwear, shorts cut off far above the knee, a place where thighs and stretchmarks can finally peek out and be free. But prurient cargo pants seal one of the sexiest parts of the human body under an amorphous pile of poly-cotton.

That's not a problem for most men, but for women -- it comes at a tremendous cost. While some women do wear cargo shorts, they often do so at great danger. Head to your nearest Old Navy or Gap and you'll find nothing but line after line of mini-shorts with minipockets that can't hold anything larger than a minigolf pencil. Sure, sometimes women cross the aisle and buy men's cargo pants. And sometimes they are able to find their own in the Women's section of the store.

But more often than not, those cargo shorts don't fit right, don't look right, and cost far more than they're worth. Feminism isn't about equality of opportunity; it's about creating better opportunities in the first place. It's not about sharing the cargo wealth, but eliminating the item in the first place.

The evidence is in the data. Sales are down. Viral think pieces are up. So many people have complained about their partners use of cargo shorts that, researchers recently found, it has heightened marital dissatisfaction.

It can be painful to give up the cargo short collective fantasy we all once shared. The idea that we all looked good in these shorts, should buy these shorts. And while some politicians and writers want you to "make cargo shorts great again," remember this: they were never good in the first place.

We can build a better world, a world full of tasteful pockets and reasonable seams, zippers that always zip and shorts that cut off just right. Together, we can do this.

It just starts with saying goodbye.

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