Give Trumpcare a break: Here are all the pre-existing conditions it will cover
On Thursday, House Republicans stood poised to overhaul the Affordable Care Act, including the pesky provision that protects terrible, sinful humans with pre-existing conditions.
Under the MacArthur-Meadows amendment, insurance providers will no longer be forced to cover Americans who made the mistake of being sick. States can now request waivers that will allow them to deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions, which now includes sexual assault, domestic violence, and otherwise having a vagina.
Still, there are plenty of conditions that Trumpcare covers -- they're just being ignored by haters in the mainstream media.
Here's a look at the extensive list of pre-existing conditions Trumpcare will actually cover.
1. Breathing
Regular, breathing Americans will no longer have to play dead when they apply for insurance, like they did under Obama.
2. Boo-boos on your knee
Covered, though the government recommends you go to your trusted mother figure and have them kiss it it until it feels better. Who needs elitist "doctors?"
3. People who already have good, employer-provided insurance
People who already have this kind of insurance are more than welcome to apply for the exact same insurance next year!
4. Momentary tickles in your throat
Covered, assuming that weird thing in your throat is a dissolvable Cheez-it and not cancer.
5. Two legs
Trumpcare welcomes all Americans with two legs! *Rule does not apply to people with three or more legs.
6. Mild-to-moderate farting
Severe farting is gross and probably linked to a deadly medical condition that will not be covered.
7. Innocent rich people who get made fun of all the time
Trumpcare could strip insurance away from 24 million low to middle income Americans, but rich people who are relentlessly mocked by the MSM? One way or another, they'll find a way to get covered.
8. The freckle on your boob that is not cancerous and is actually just a food crumb
The cancerous freckle on the other boob, though . . . sorry, that's your fault!
9. Being a shitty Congressman
A new law will exempt Congress from this law, because it's just too damn good and they can't handle it!
10. Being dead
Open the gates! Trumpcare is open to everyone with no medical needs and already six feet in the grave.
Building bridges to the afterlife -- when previous governments only built walls.
Heather was the Web Trends reporter at Mashable NYC. Prior to joining Mashable, Heather wrote regularly for UPROXX and GOOD Magazine, was published in The Daily Dot and VICE, and had her work featured in Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mic, and Gawker. She loves small terrible dogs and responsible driving. Follow her on Twitter @wear_a_helmet.
